fighting

Four of Pentacles
Fear of losing what you have worked hard to gain. Material goods. Defending what is rightfully yours. Resisting change. Stagnation. A person that wants everything to remain the same. Insecurity. Desire to be alone. A person that does not share well. Could be a fear of a partner squandering one's assets. A new agreement may be presented.




Well. I occasionally come to this point in my life, where I get close to someone. This ends up causing a lot of stress in me. I'm kinda crazy when it comes to becoming close friends. I'm insecure, and I act on it a lot once I get close to someone. Some people are friends, but I never get close to them. But when I do, it ends up getting a little chaotic. It's just me and my layers.

But, after going through so much with someone, after so many arguments and so much time of not talking to them because we can't resolve our differences, my gears turn. I start wondering more and more if it's worth the fight I have to put up to keep this person around. I'll wonder this constantly as I continue on with my life and our interactions (good and bad) until one day the choice just clicks. When it was Michelle in high school, I decided it WAS worth it. She WAS someone I wanted to fight to keep in my life.

Instantly it's as if every insecurity falls away and our relationship got stronger. With Brandon, I decided it wasn't. I put up more barriers to protect myself from him.

So, what do I do when I decided that someone is worth it all, and all I want is to keep them in my life but they pull away? I have gotten close to maybe 3 people in my life time before this person. I've haven't had to deal with someone I feel so close to not wanting to be as much a part of my life as I wanted them to. Sure, I really wanted to keep Brandon, but deep down I knew I wouldn't be able to trust him. This is different.

I wanna keep him in my life. I realized this today. But I think I may have realized it too late.

It's getting me low, but I guess if I want to keep someone, that means they're worth fighting for... So it's time to put up a fight :)

XoXo
S