The Struggle

Everything seems kinda pointless right now. I have no one. All I want is to have someone to hold me while I sleep and someone to hang out with me when I'm awake.

my only friends don't hang out with me. one is dating my brother, so if the option of free time is there, she's with him... which means I also don't have my brother to hang out with. Erica's parents are fuck-tards (I sent a text to the numbers Erica gave me because no one was answering, and he called me back saying "For future reference, don't send text messages to this phone. Oh, you're not a member of Verizon? I guess Erica can talk to you, but only for a short amount of time." And I went through his ass hole attitude just to hear from Erica that she couldn't come over because her parents haven't met mine.

Her fucking dad had an interview at Rural King... and interview with MY MOM. Her mom has met my mom when they were both at Wendy's, and erica told her that my mom worked there... He's just a bitter douche because RK didn't want him for a managing position because he's NEVER WORKED IN RETAIL. get over it.

but what can she do about it? she's fucking 15, and has no say in it. I fucking hate that. Who else do I have? cuz really, I don't have anyone else. The people I know, I don't like, and the people I do don't have time for me. I hate this place. I can't stand being here anymore. Life goes on without me. Everyone else has other people, and I have no one. I hate having such a negative mindset but it's true. When was the last time someone sat at home and thought "lets call up shayla, I'm bored." they have people they'd rather talk to, or people that are more convinient because say, they're neighbors or you see them in you're daily routine. People start to phase out of you're life, thats normal. that's fine. But why does it seem like I've phased out of everyone elses but no one is phasing into mine?

I mean, hell, I'm not even close to being on my period and I feel so horribley alone and shut out right now that I'm crying. I'm so sick and tired of always being alone. I'm always alone. Every time someone comes into my life they eventually have to leave. I know that that's how life is. I understand. but fuck, why is it that every time I think I've found someone new to talk to any hopes of a strong friendship is cut. As much as all this shit has made me strong, and build character or whatever the fuck it's doing, it's not worth it. I had nearly fully developed my personality and character by the time I hit 8th grade. I don't need to build any more, I just want to stop being alone.

and when it comes right down to it, no matter what, I'll be alone.

there are some things that you just never get used to, I guess.

<3
S