I'm ready to talk about this. Sorry it's a pseudo twilight rant. It makes it easier.
I've been listening to Muse songs. Neutron Star Collision is one of my favorite love songs. I came across it on the Twilight soundtrack. The fact that twilight fans associate such sweet sentiments with whatever the hell you'd call Edward and Bella's relationship brings up all sorts of bad feelings.
It's not romantic to be controlled. It's not romantic to have someone obsess over you. It can be written that way, I guess, but unless you lack as much personality as Bella you won't be able to develop as an adult in that situation. Bella may be a blank canvas for self-insertion, but without a dull directionless life that you're willing to throw away at the drop of a hat (jumping off a cliff for the danger rush in hopes of hallucinating you're ex lover even though you may die in the process, for instance) that kind of relationship can't work.
It's NOT healthy. It's belittling. It leaves you feeling like less of a person. It makes you feel helpless and alone even though you're with someone who is theoretically supposed to make you feel happy. The forced isolation from your other male friends is just another way to (unintentionally) be made to feel like you're thoughts, choices and opinions aren't important. Not only are they not important they just aren't "good for you." The mask of protecting you is just a bunch of bullshit. It's not protection when there's not actually danger to your life. It shows insecurity, and need.
Being in those situations is scary. Having someone say they'd rather kill themselves (or let themselves die) if you aren't with them is terrifying. You feel like a guilty, dirty, disgusting human being. It forces you to stay in a relationship you've long wanted to leave because the only thing you want anymore is to feel like a real person again but you're too afraid to have the blood of another person on your hands. You lose sleep. You're grades drop. You lack the desire to do anything that you used to. Partially because you've sunken into a depression and partially because the person you're with will just complain that you're attention isn't directed towards them during all waking hours.
Yeah, you've lost the desire to live and exist so you just sit there like a big empty shell and watch life slowly pass you by, secretly wishing that someday you finally have the courage to jump out of the car while it's flying down the highway... That way if you don't die you'll be in the hospital in intensive care, and you'll finally have someone who can tell you that they'll see to it that he can't come into the room, and you'll finally be near someone to tell all of the things you've been going through so you don't feel so fucking alone. You just want to look in the eyes of a stranger at the gas station and beg them to help you. But the fear runs your life.
I was too afraid to unbuckle the seat belt and open the door. Too afraid to tell someone what was going on and too afraid to leave all the way until I finally did. Even now I'm afraid, honestly. The constant reminder that someone wants to force themselves into death because I'm not with them is more than I can handle. I find myself falling harder into depression more often despite the fact that I've finally freed myself. I may not be with him anymore, but he still has that much control over my life because he won't leave me alone. I spend therapy touching on my childhood when all I really want to do is cry and beg the therapist to help me block his number and get a restraining order, and to give me antidepressants so I can not feel all the guilt anymore.
My life has been so twisted that I feel guilty for not taking the abuse. I feel like a bad person because I wasn't willing to give myself up and to suffer for someone else who thinks they love me. Why do I deserve the love of someone else now when I wasn't willing to give it? I'm just a torn-up embodiment of what a person used to be. Damaged doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about myself. Life just exhausts me.
The only difference between me now and me 3 months ago is that I can finally say I don't want to die. But I'm still not free. I won't be free until my ex fucking dies or moves on, and he's really determined not to move on. It's hard to live with myself knowing that a part of me genuinely wishes someone would die so I can finally be free again. I can't feel right knowing someone out there is cutting themselves because I'm trying to be selfish and live for myself. Writing all of this puts knots in my stomach from all the anxiety that I've been holding back. I look like I've aged 5 years in 1; just from the stress and anxiety I've gone through.
I'm afraid to look at Jon as the person who helped save me. What if by some horrible twist of fate things didn't work. What if he realizes he just wanted to help me, and when I'm finally better he finds another broken girl to try to fix? What if he gets too frustrated will all the baggage I'm carrying with me? What if I start to become the controlling embodiment of Michael and put him through everything I've gone through? I couldn't live with myself knowing I've destroyed someone like that. What if he realizes I just don't have a personality and leaves me to find someone who does? Or if the depression gets worse? If he's the one who saved me then what would I do if he left and I wasn't ready to stand on my own yet? I feel like everything in my life is a house of cards and everyone around me is breathing extra heavy in hopes of bringing the whole thing down.
So no. Obsessive controlling people aren't sweet or romantic. If you have a will, a personality, or a goal in your life besides being a shell next to your significant other, it won't end up like twilight. If you find the wrong type of obsessive controlling person, instead of threatening their own life, it could be yours.
Fuck.
XoXo,
S
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