falling down

I wish I could just feel normal.
I found out some stuff about my dad, and I just don't want to talk about it. So I don't. But I feel so weird. And little things are making me sad and I feel myself slipping back down. It's out of my ability to control, and maybe that's why I feel so helpless, but it hurts so bad. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I never get to appreciate the good things. Tell me it's my mindset all you want, but I'd literally do ANYTHING to stop feeling like this right now. I'm human. I've held it together decently, but how long can I pretend I'm fine before I break?

So many good things have happened to me recently. My friend sent in a referral for me to work at GM as a Temp. That's 15/hr plus overtime. Even if they didn't keep me I'd make almost 3000 a month. I want to start paying my car payment, and pay back my brother, and be independent. Every time I feel like the house I grew up in is finally becoming my home something happens and I just don't want to go back. I can't stay at Jon's forever because he's moving in with a friend and it'd be weird and I can't afford to pay rent or anything. I'm so fucking old and I can do so little.

It could be up to a year before they call me anyway, and that's just for the drug test. Then I'd have to wait an unknown amount of time before they finally called me in to work. I think I'd be good in a factory. Same shit as fast food (learn something, do it every day for months until they decide to put you somewhere else) except I only have to deal with coworkers and not customers. Maybe this is the path my life was supposed to take? I'd make enough money to feel free and even if work sucks I can listen to music and enjoy my free time because I'll have the cash for whatever hobbies I want. And not working in food will mean not eating so fucking much.

My man just finished making me our valentine's day meal. I'm pretty lucky. I hope my head can realize this soon so I can enjoy our night of cuddles together.

XoXo,
S