I think it’s been pretty clear as of late that my self-esteem has been a roller coaster. That’s normal though. Lately, it seems to be sending a lot more time downhill than up. (actually, I guess I’d say spending more time uphill, because going up the hill is boring and scary and you feel a little queasy looking down, but once you hit the top and start the drop it feels amazing and excited and you feel alive. )
I just feel like crap. Self conscious, worthless, like I’m not doing anything and have done nothing in the past. I pretty much can’t think of a single thing about myself that I like half of the time anymore. Lets not even get started on my appearance and how I’ve gained weight.
and yet, as I sat and listened to Judas, and watched the new music video, and then trailed off into the depths of youtube watching even more Lady Gaga… I go to the bathroom, and am shocked to look in the mirror and see the pretty face I used to believe I had. Not at all the way I did when I woke up this morning. Actually, despite the general unhappiness I feel a lot better about myself. Still terrible, but better.
The guy with the skeletal tattoo on his whole body in the Born This Way video… In Lady Gaga’s interview with Bazaar Magazine she said “he was born this way.” No, he didn’t come out of his mother’s womb like that, but it’s who he felt he was, and it was the way he was “destined” to be. I watch him in the video now, and he just seems so normal to me. This guy isn’t a guy with a body size tattoo, he’s just a person like everyone else.
In other words. I fucking feel good, despite how sick-to-stomach I feel and how stressed out I am and how fat I seem to be getting.
XoXo,
S
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