A brief history of the last 4 years. Pt1

The guy I like that I was texting. We dated for 2 years. He was a high functioning alcoholic and verbal and physical abuse were just the norm of his family and his friends. I knew better. I saw the red flags. I proceeded. We dated for a year while I lived at my parents and eventually moved into a duplex my dad owned. It was all mine and it was cute with old wood details and a tiny bathroom. It was off the street like a little hidden cottage. While laid in bed all I could see out my window were trees. The roof leaked, the water pressure in the kitchen was barely a drip, and the brathoom sink drained directly below because it leaked so bad. My dad had to replace the subfloor of the bathroom halfway through because the toilet also leaked. I could touch the ceiling in my shower and the wiring was so bad that I had to wiggle the fixture to make it turn on. I left mail on a burner and accidentally turned the wrong one on and almost caught the wholeness place on fire. The guy downstairs often got drunk and passed out in his car with Mexican music blaring. It was the first place I invited my current friends to to have a party and we all dressed up in cute pastels and made Halloween cookies with purple and blue icing and drank tea. My ex hated it. He never visited and made me drive out to his place where he lived with his grandma because he lost his license. His grandma was a grade A cunt just like him and the rest of his family. I was brought up thinking that if you offered something it was a gift. If she offered anything she'd then make you work to earn it after you'd taken it without being told it was a trade of some kind. Offer you food? Clean the kitchen. Invite you to a cook out? Damn well better help cook, clean, and set up. I realize that may be common curtesy to some people but when I offer things it's with no strings attached. If I invite you over for dinner, you'll know when I expect of you before I even let you say yes. His friends were awful. His best friends girlfriend sexually assaulted me twice. Once in front of them while they laughed. I was too drunk to stop her and they thought it was cute because, in his words, "all my other girlfriends like stuff like that. Don't pretend like you didn't. It's just what girls do when they're drunk." I might be ace spectrum but I'm not interested in women, period. He never believed me. Once he triggered me during sex and I had a panic attack. He yelled at me for 15 minutes because I was crying. When I tried to explain to him why he told me "all women SAY they've been raped but none of them have been. They're just trying to get something outta guys." We bought a house together. It was in my name, because he never tried to develop credit. I paid for half of it, he paid for half. After we moved in he started bitching about me having free money but it was only because he drank and smoked and I did neither of those things. Even though he made s lot more money than I did we paid our combined bills equally. I even put extra into things but he ignored it because it was inconvenient. We bought the furniture he wanted to put in the house he wanted and bought the food he liked and prepared it to his liking. He thought he bent over backwards for me when he compromised any tiny thing that made me a little happier. I stopped hanging out with his friends because they sucked and we were incompatible. He offered me Taco Bell one night when they went to the bar. He drove my car, drunk, and got me some while they were on their way to his friends house to continue drinking. I didn't like when he took my car and I told him not to drink if he was. He never listened and he always drove when he was drunk. When he got to the house his friends had stopped contacting him, likely home and passed out because Taco Bell took forever. He took it out on me. I realized early on that if he was mad he didn't want to discuss he. He just wanted to yell. So I didn't fully engage. He noticed and got more angry. He always said I ran away from our problems but he never wanted to resolve them and once he'd calm down he'd deny caring anymore. It was useless. I tried to hang out in my craft room, back against the door, but he wasn't having it. He'd push me. He tried ripping my phone out of my hand. I begged him to just leave me alone. he was following me as I walked in my socks down the dirty sidewalk calling the cops to finally end this. They were so helpful when my dad came home drunk when I was 19 and was being violent. The cops told me to leave my own home to accommodate his drunken mess. He kept telling them he didn't know why I called or why I was acting like that. He pushed me and threatened me and they made me leave. I slept on my friends couch. He was already texting apologies to me. It was short lived, because the next day he was mad that I had called them, felt it was unnecessary and that it made him look bad. He mocked me to our mutual friends, telling them how crazy and emotional I was. I stayed, but I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel as small or worthless. I don't doubt for a second that my friends love and care about me. Or that they'd jump to help me in a second if I needed it. My friend from the west side of town had abusive parents. She was only 19 and I went to her house one weekend, we packed up all her things and I took her to live with me. I was still with CJ. The most validating thing a friend has ever said to me was from her, after CJ threw yet another temper tantrum, "I don't like when he talks to you like that." It's so simply and yet I don't feel like another person has ever said something like that about a guy I loved.