Fixing It

I feel so fucking alone. Everything feels wrong. Something is wrong with me.

Why can't I feel good? Why can't I feel anything unless I throw myself into a pit of fucking misery? I can't love people who love me. Why do I only set myself up for hurt? I can't feel good. I can't stand people who like me. I can't stand people who are nice to me. I hate it when I'm treated well.

All I fucking want is affection from people who I either can't stand or don't stand a chance with.

And anyone guy, no matter how uninterested he is in me, gives me a little bit of attention and I fall for him. Instantly. No matter how terrible they are, or how wrong they are for me.

And I don't have friends. Not many. I haven't heard from someone I considered my best friend in probably 6 months. My other close friends are so far up political shit creek I can't even look at them the same way anymore. The girl I know from work didn't reply to my texts. I've only heard from two people in the last month. One of them is a guy who's been trying to fuck me for a while. I have no interest in him. Barely even as a friend because he has shit intentions.

The other is a friend who I haven't even spoken to in a while, but I'm still really grateful that we met. Because even after not talking much for long periods of time she's still there if I am.

But you know, it's still lonely. It still hurts. I'm still afraid to be with myself. I'm feeling so terrible and so awful right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it.

xoxo,
S