This isn't an issue I honestly think about too often. In fact, I sometimes have felt like it was blown a little out of proportion in the past. But I kinda get it now.
Make-up companies. You're a separate branch of the big evil "media" and you made quite the image for yourself in my eyes this morning. That image is "whiter is better."
When you criticize black musicians for being too pale, you criticize them for something they can't control. Nor is it the fault of fashion models who are black but a much much lighter tone.
But YOU, make-up company... YOU choose who you put out there to represent yourself. You chose pale. You chose white. You chose pale to represent black women. Your foundation that is guaranteed to match all women? You chose the palest of all ethnic backgrounds. There was ONE little pot of foundation that looked like it would work okay on a darker skinned woman, but I have trouble believing that foundation would compliment all darker shades. Your pictures depicted women who could have literally passed as white women with tans (the ONLY defining feature that the black model had that showed her ethnicity was her clearly African American hair).
As someone who tends to fall on the Classic Ivory side of foundations, I tend to not think to much about being too dark to find a good match. Even when I'm tan I go a shade or so lighter just because it keeps my skin tone more natural and even looking. But I fail to see how someone with very dark skin could use a foundation like their 'mocha" and not look like they were attempting to bleach their faces.
There actually aren't a lot of people who are pale. Most people I know actually wear foundation a few shades darker than their natural color just because they feel it compliments them better.
What about the dark skinned women who would feel that it would compliment their skin more to wear a foundation as dark, if not darker than their natural skin color? Where are they supposed to get their foundation?
Why is no one being held accountable for shit like this? How can a company honestly claim to be able to match ANYONE's skin color when they only have ONE remotely dark foundation color? Are darker women not people to?
ALSO
Lovely tabloid about "celebrities who have an unhealthy obsession with their weight"
You know who has an unhealthy obsession with the celebrities weight? The fucking tabloids. The people who read them. Maybe if Jessica Simpson wouldn't have to experience being called a disgusting fat ass every time she left the house she wouldn't "double up on spanx."
You remember doing that to her, right? Imagine having thousands of people sitting there talking about the 10 extra pounds you gained (or didn't gain, I still feel a lot of it was a bad choice of clothing). I think that would make you hyper aware of how you look when you left the house. I'd be fucking terrified to NOT double up on spanx if I knew that the moment I walked out the door a camera would be snapping pictures of me and the world would be calling me fat because I weight 165lbs. We aren't all built to stay thin forever (we aren't even all built to be thin period). The woman has had children now, leave her fucking weight out of this.
PERHAPS IF WE STOP OBSESSING OVER CELERITY'S WEIGHT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO ANYMORE EITHER.
That is all.
XoXo,
S
September 19, 2012
September 10, 2012
perspectives
All things considered, I feel oddly content right now.
I'm finishing crochet projects. I finished my cat pattern blanket, my boss's baby blanket AND the baby blanket for my friend which I put a little scallop boarder on. I've never done borders but I did the shell stitch for the cat blanket so I figured I'd give it a shot. It looks super cute. I'm actually accomplishing things and it feels so good.
On top of that, my boyfriend took me on an epic date day. Flowers (roses!) my favorite chocolates, some hard cider and a controller for the Wii that lets me play old Nintendo games from the Nintendo store. He also replaced the battery in my memory card for the N64 and we got games for that.
On top off all that awesome? he took me to see The Avengers and it was so good. I'm STILL thinking about that movie and I saw it on Friday. Then when we got home we watched Captain America and I suddenly have so much love for HIS character (he's the only one who's movie I haven't seen so I was having much less feels for him.)
I'm working on another blanket. Getting ideas for a new project. Just generally being happy and content. I'm going to have to replace one of my cars tired but I'm almost completely caught up on bills so it's not even a big deal to me. After I pay about $200 to the internet bill ($140 of which my brother will have to pay me back because it back-charges from when it was his bill and not mine) I'll just have to keep up with my month to month payments. No more late feels, no more worrying about my phone getting shut off. Life is just getting better. After I'm caught up my bills will only be about $200 a month. that's only 1/4 of my paycheck with the hours I'm pulling right now. I may be able to start helping with my car even if I DON'T get a second job. But I'm still trying to. 15 hours a week at any minimum wage job will easily cover my car. Nothing else, so I'll have to try to get a job around the area I already spend time at to save me the extra gas.
Rob drove home halfway home last night. I'm going to help him get some driving confidence :) Then help him study to get his permit and then help him study and practice to get his license. I don't expect THAT to happen quickly, but if he's capable of driving I at least know he'll be able to take me to the hospital if I'm injured, or drive me to walmart to get medicine if I have a really bad headache. Feeling lots of pride for my baby.
Life, guys. It's fucking good.
(Also, did I ever mention that despite my fight to get off of closes I've accepted the position and now closing has been 100x's better. I love my new night manager, I don't mind my job because it's EASY and hey, I got 2 days requested off every week and I'm still getting 40 hours. Can't argue with that one. One of those days is even friday.
xoxo,
S
I'm finishing crochet projects. I finished my cat pattern blanket, my boss's baby blanket AND the baby blanket for my friend which I put a little scallop boarder on. I've never done borders but I did the shell stitch for the cat blanket so I figured I'd give it a shot. It looks super cute. I'm actually accomplishing things and it feels so good.
On top of that, my boyfriend took me on an epic date day. Flowers (roses!) my favorite chocolates, some hard cider and a controller for the Wii that lets me play old Nintendo games from the Nintendo store. He also replaced the battery in my memory card for the N64 and we got games for that.
On top off all that awesome? he took me to see The Avengers and it was so good. I'm STILL thinking about that movie and I saw it on Friday. Then when we got home we watched Captain America and I suddenly have so much love for HIS character (he's the only one who's movie I haven't seen so I was having much less feels for him.)
I'm working on another blanket. Getting ideas for a new project. Just generally being happy and content. I'm going to have to replace one of my cars tired but I'm almost completely caught up on bills so it's not even a big deal to me. After I pay about $200 to the internet bill ($140 of which my brother will have to pay me back because it back-charges from when it was his bill and not mine) I'll just have to keep up with my month to month payments. No more late feels, no more worrying about my phone getting shut off. Life is just getting better. After I'm caught up my bills will only be about $200 a month. that's only 1/4 of my paycheck with the hours I'm pulling right now. I may be able to start helping with my car even if I DON'T get a second job. But I'm still trying to. 15 hours a week at any minimum wage job will easily cover my car. Nothing else, so I'll have to try to get a job around the area I already spend time at to save me the extra gas.
Rob drove home halfway home last night. I'm going to help him get some driving confidence :) Then help him study to get his permit and then help him study and practice to get his license. I don't expect THAT to happen quickly, but if he's capable of driving I at least know he'll be able to take me to the hospital if I'm injured, or drive me to walmart to get medicine if I have a really bad headache. Feeling lots of pride for my baby.
Life, guys. It's fucking good.
(Also, did I ever mention that despite my fight to get off of closes I've accepted the position and now closing has been 100x's better. I love my new night manager, I don't mind my job because it's EASY and hey, I got 2 days requested off every week and I'm still getting 40 hours. Can't argue with that one. One of those days is even friday.
xoxo,
S
August 31, 2012
I'm officially crazy, I think.
So we all have people we used to have crushes on, right? People we hopelessly liked and hung out with and flirted with even though they didn't really seem interested or told us it wasn't going to happen. I have a few of them. We even have those stragglers in our life. The people we dated and left/were left by but for some reason never cut out even though you don't really talk much. Or maybe you do. Maybe you're still friends. Regardless, they're people who you have had strong feelings for that were more than friendship. Those people.
I have those. Being in a relationship now, I've resigned myself to speak to them less. To recognize that generally no good can from that situation. Someone who used to not like you can have a sudden change of heart when you stop pursuing, and exes can always try to rekindle old flames. Maybe they both get rejected, but those are situations that we can avoid altogether, right? So why don't we? The only guy I ever dated that I can honestly say CAN'T damage, hurt, or any of that. The one straight guy friend that I trust to NOT make a move on me. I still talk to him. Spencer's been a great friend through the last few years. Maybe I'm being too selfish in this whole thing...
There's girl who Rob told me he used to chase while him and I were apart. He REALLY liked her. She kinda drug him on sometimes, playing with the fact that he liked her, because she knew he did. She didn't want him, but she did it anyway. Nothing happened between them.
Now that we're dating, it'd make sense to drop all these people who he used to chase right? Especially the one he started dating RIGHT before we got back together. The one he left (a 24 hour relationship) to be with me. They still talk. A lot. The girl he used to pursue who I just mentioned, the one who pulled him along? Still talk. Still HANG OUT.
I feel so genuinely sick that... fuck, think of an analogy yourself.
I definitely feel less upset over the girl he dated because he left her to be with me, but she actually had feelings for him. I don't see how staying super close friends with him could possibly be a smart thing? And the other girl is going through a LOT of shit now, apparently. as someone who used to be on the brink of a breakdown (and gone through several breakdowns and so on) I can tell you that you start doing shit to feel wanted. Because you convince yourself that you actually liked that guy, or that you should be with him because you just KNOW it's right so fuck whatever he's got planned for himself. That's excessive paranoia on my part.
Yeah, it is. But the jealousy beyond that "potential future situation" feels pretty highly justifiable. A girl doesn't lead you on and then let you go live your life when you find something else. She wants to keep trying to lead you on. She wants the attention or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. I've seen girls try to HAVE SEX WITH guys they weren't interested in just to keep their attention from going to another girl who had genuine feelings for them.
And I should chill the fuck out and not be so paranoid and jealous... but when I look at her? She's really pretty. Really thin with a really nice body. She already likes the same shit and dresses the way Rob likes. He doesn't pursue girls who he doesn't find attractive just to have someone (though, he's open to girls who pursue him even if they aren't "right" for him.) She's the kind of girl he likes. And she's 100x's better looking than myself. They obviously get along or he wouldn't still try to talk to her when she is off doing her own shit, and he wouldn't hang out with her when the chance arose.
So, when she decides she wants that, what's actually stopping her? Because he's not. I don't talk to Zach anymore. I don't hang out with him. I only see him at work. I don't talk to or see Michael, Brandon, Jon, Craig, Anthony, Seth or ANY guy who I've dated, been interested in, or had interested in me. Any of them except Spencer as explained above.
Is that so much to ask? Is it TOO much? It may be. I may not being seeing this subjectively. But I can't stop feeling sick with jealousy and insecurity. The problem there lies with me, but why can't more people handle this shit like I do?
XoXo,
S
I have those. Being in a relationship now, I've resigned myself to speak to them less. To recognize that generally no good can from that situation. Someone who used to not like you can have a sudden change of heart when you stop pursuing, and exes can always try to rekindle old flames. Maybe they both get rejected, but those are situations that we can avoid altogether, right? So why don't we? The only guy I ever dated that I can honestly say CAN'T damage, hurt, or any of that. The one straight guy friend that I trust to NOT make a move on me. I still talk to him. Spencer's been a great friend through the last few years. Maybe I'm being too selfish in this whole thing...
There's girl who Rob told me he used to chase while him and I were apart. He REALLY liked her. She kinda drug him on sometimes, playing with the fact that he liked her, because she knew he did. She didn't want him, but she did it anyway. Nothing happened between them.
Now that we're dating, it'd make sense to drop all these people who he used to chase right? Especially the one he started dating RIGHT before we got back together. The one he left (a 24 hour relationship) to be with me. They still talk. A lot. The girl he used to pursue who I just mentioned, the one who pulled him along? Still talk. Still HANG OUT.
I feel so genuinely sick that... fuck, think of an analogy yourself.
I definitely feel less upset over the girl he dated because he left her to be with me, but she actually had feelings for him. I don't see how staying super close friends with him could possibly be a smart thing? And the other girl is going through a LOT of shit now, apparently. as someone who used to be on the brink of a breakdown (and gone through several breakdowns and so on) I can tell you that you start doing shit to feel wanted. Because you convince yourself that you actually liked that guy, or that you should be with him because you just KNOW it's right so fuck whatever he's got planned for himself. That's excessive paranoia on my part.
Yeah, it is. But the jealousy beyond that "potential future situation" feels pretty highly justifiable. A girl doesn't lead you on and then let you go live your life when you find something else. She wants to keep trying to lead you on. She wants the attention or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. I've seen girls try to HAVE SEX WITH guys they weren't interested in just to keep their attention from going to another girl who had genuine feelings for them.
And I should chill the fuck out and not be so paranoid and jealous... but when I look at her? She's really pretty. Really thin with a really nice body. She already likes the same shit and dresses the way Rob likes. He doesn't pursue girls who he doesn't find attractive just to have someone (though, he's open to girls who pursue him even if they aren't "right" for him.) She's the kind of girl he likes. And she's 100x's better looking than myself. They obviously get along or he wouldn't still try to talk to her when she is off doing her own shit, and he wouldn't hang out with her when the chance arose.
So, when she decides she wants that, what's actually stopping her? Because he's not. I don't talk to Zach anymore. I don't hang out with him. I only see him at work. I don't talk to or see Michael, Brandon, Jon, Craig, Anthony, Seth or ANY guy who I've dated, been interested in, or had interested in me. Any of them except Spencer as explained above.
Is that so much to ask? Is it TOO much? It may be. I may not being seeing this subjectively. But I can't stop feeling sick with jealousy and insecurity. The problem there lies with me, but why can't more people handle this shit like I do?
XoXo,
S
August 15, 2012
Real Friends and Convenience Friends.
A friend of mine starts back at college soon. Or should I say someone I used to be friends with. I didn't sign up for classes this semester because I wanted to save up some money and I couldn't handle my bills as it is. My GPA was fine (in the 3 range) I just can't seem to keep up with school without breaking down with anxiety. And I should be starting work in a factory soon.
It still kinda felt like a punch in the stomach to know she's showing her friend around campus and that they're going to Olive Garden after. That's what her and I did 2 years ago when I was new there. Then her and my brother stopped dating, and I got into a really bad relationship and we didn't talk much anymore. I later found out that the reason we didn't talk was because she thought I was being a bitch all the time.
I had really really needed her through that situation. Needed ANYONE that I could break down in front of so I could finally get help and get into a safer place. Instead she didn't reply when i texted, she didn't pick up if I called and completely ignored me on facebook. I didn't even see her on campus because she started to avoid the lounge that we hung out in. I had no idea why.
on new years eve I got out of that bad relationship and moved the hell on. I've hung out with her twice since then, once with just her and once with the whole gang that I used to hang out with. Yeah, I've missed all the fun we used to have but... I just forced me to realize that they weren't really my friends. Where were ANY of them when I needed them and when it stopped being convenient and stopped being us hanging out with booze? They were all out telling me they were to busy to hang out and then posting onto facebook about all the fun they were having because they decided they weren't so busy after all, because someone else wanted to hang out.
I've had the shittiest friends over the years. I'm HAPPILY awaiting my first BFF from grade school to be coming back to Fort Wayne from Indy. We disliked each other sometimes. We fought a lot. I don't think we hung out once in high school, but it someone who doesn't give a fuck about how crappy I've been acting because they KNEW why and wanted to be there to cheer me up.
Actually, I remember once when we were on the bus, and she was SO determined to make me smile before we got to school because I was having a bad morning. She actually tried. I've missed having that around.
XoXo,
S
It still kinda felt like a punch in the stomach to know she's showing her friend around campus and that they're going to Olive Garden after. That's what her and I did 2 years ago when I was new there. Then her and my brother stopped dating, and I got into a really bad relationship and we didn't talk much anymore. I later found out that the reason we didn't talk was because she thought I was being a bitch all the time.
I had really really needed her through that situation. Needed ANYONE that I could break down in front of so I could finally get help and get into a safer place. Instead she didn't reply when i texted, she didn't pick up if I called and completely ignored me on facebook. I didn't even see her on campus because she started to avoid the lounge that we hung out in. I had no idea why.
on new years eve I got out of that bad relationship and moved the hell on. I've hung out with her twice since then, once with just her and once with the whole gang that I used to hang out with. Yeah, I've missed all the fun we used to have but... I just forced me to realize that they weren't really my friends. Where were ANY of them when I needed them and when it stopped being convenient and stopped being us hanging out with booze? They were all out telling me they were to busy to hang out and then posting onto facebook about all the fun they were having because they decided they weren't so busy after all, because someone else wanted to hang out.
I've had the shittiest friends over the years. I'm HAPPILY awaiting my first BFF from grade school to be coming back to Fort Wayne from Indy. We disliked each other sometimes. We fought a lot. I don't think we hung out once in high school, but it someone who doesn't give a fuck about how crappy I've been acting because they KNEW why and wanted to be there to cheer me up.
Actually, I remember once when we were on the bus, and she was SO determined to make me smile before we got to school because I was having a bad morning. She actually tried. I've missed having that around.
XoXo,
S
August 05, 2012
Chances and Trying
I feel tired. Scraped thin and worn out. This is my favorite and least favorite feeling. I'm literally at a manic state I just haven't found the direction to go in. I could easily fall into a depression. A terrible one, with fits of anxiety and have those really weak moments that I have never admitted to, where I wish I would break down enough to self harm (though, I don't. I haven't in a while, and I won't.) The thought terrifies me. But I could also be happy. I could explode with creativity and vanity and be fucking BRILLIANT. Right now I just feel awake and tired at the same time and kinda want to go to sleep but I feel like I should be doing something.
SO I'm guiding myself. Trying to control the insanity that is my mood. I've never really tried to before. I've wished for the pain to stop or wanted to stop being so excitable (because other's don't seem to respond well to me like that?) but I've never thought of fully trying to control it before it happens.
I'm writing. I'm on tvtropes making sure this scene goes right. I'm contemplating fashion, hair, make-up, and other things that make me happy. For all I know I'll fall asleep by 2 and wake up as if I never felt like this right now. Despite my efforts I could wake up depressed. But, there's also that chance that I'll wake up feeling on top of the world. I want that chance.
There's not actually a chance if you never try.
XoXo,
S
SO I'm guiding myself. Trying to control the insanity that is my mood. I've never really tried to before. I've wished for the pain to stop or wanted to stop being so excitable (because other's don't seem to respond well to me like that?) but I've never thought of fully trying to control it before it happens.
I'm writing. I'm on tvtropes making sure this scene goes right. I'm contemplating fashion, hair, make-up, and other things that make me happy. For all I know I'll fall asleep by 2 and wake up as if I never felt like this right now. Despite my efforts I could wake up depressed. But, there's also that chance that I'll wake up feeling on top of the world. I want that chance.
There's not actually a chance if you never try.
XoXo,
S
August 03, 2012
Word Count and such
So I added another thousand words to my story. Did I mention that I was writing that? No? well I am. Continuing a story from 2009 that I found on my laptop. I'm excited. I'm having ideas and crap. It's pretty new territory (recently).
Since it just came up and it's all the rage I think I'll talk about Chik-fil-a.
1) It's well within the rights of the company's owner to express his opinion.
2) It's well within the rights of the consumer to boycott them for their company's owner's opinion.
3)The company can use it's money however they see fit.
4) Anyone who financially supports something the PREVENTS any form of equality is unamerican. Period. While freedom of speech is our right, the foundation of our country is freedom and equality for EVERYONE. Not just for those we believe are equal to us. Like so many people have said, the people protesting gay marriage and gay equality will look like idiots in 40 years just like the people not wanting black people in school with the white kids. THAT is why it's not hypocritical for a "liberal" to protest chik-fil-a while simultaneously wanted the "conservatives" to NOT protest their pridefests and such.
ONE group is fighting to give someone their equality, one is fighting to keep it away from them.
Be as racist, homophobic or sexist as you want. It's your right. But don't you dare try to make someone else's life less because of YOUR opinion. THAT is what America is.
XoXo,
S
Oh, and 5) Don't assume that people who work for a corporation believe in or even KNOW what kind of shit their company does with their profits. Someone thought the fast food restaurant that I work for didn't support gay marriage. Man, let me tell you, almost everyone in that store when you were applauding us for it BELIEVES IN GAY MARRIAGE. Sorry to burst your bubble. I don't know where you heard that bit of information from, but you're talking to the wrong people anyway. We just work there.
Since it just came up and it's all the rage I think I'll talk about Chik-fil-a.
1) It's well within the rights of the company's owner to express his opinion.
2) It's well within the rights of the consumer to boycott them for their company's owner's opinion.
3)The company can use it's money however they see fit.
4) Anyone who financially supports something the PREVENTS any form of equality is unamerican. Period. While freedom of speech is our right, the foundation of our country is freedom and equality for EVERYONE. Not just for those we believe are equal to us. Like so many people have said, the people protesting gay marriage and gay equality will look like idiots in 40 years just like the people not wanting black people in school with the white kids. THAT is why it's not hypocritical for a "liberal" to protest chik-fil-a while simultaneously wanted the "conservatives" to NOT protest their pridefests and such.
ONE group is fighting to give someone their equality, one is fighting to keep it away from them.
Be as racist, homophobic or sexist as you want. It's your right. But don't you dare try to make someone else's life less because of YOUR opinion. THAT is what America is.
XoXo,
S
Oh, and 5) Don't assume that people who work for a corporation believe in or even KNOW what kind of shit their company does with their profits. Someone thought the fast food restaurant that I work for didn't support gay marriage. Man, let me tell you, almost everyone in that store when you were applauding us for it BELIEVES IN GAY MARRIAGE. Sorry to burst your bubble. I don't know where you heard that bit of information from, but you're talking to the wrong people anyway. We just work there.
August 01, 2012
lack of internet, bills, and happy crap
I just did a run down of my last few posts to see what I haven't caught my blog up on. A lot. I haven't been posting. My internet isn't working for some reason and normally I'd just sit there and feel sad but I actually got on the phone and tried getting it fixed, but after 3 days and a lot of waiting I still got nothing. next time I call I'm probably just going to tell them to drag their happy asses out here to fix it, because obviously they can't do it from their desk otherwise it'd be fixed (there are only so many things you can do from there, right? And I'd assume that after saying it's been weeks, and having multiple calls in they'd decide to just try all those things, right? So the last resort would be to have them come out and do it, right? right? I don't want to raise my voice in frustration. I understand they're trying to help me out. I know the techs aren't responsible for everything that goes wrong with the internet, and that they're there to fix it. but still. 2 weeks? Fix it already.
Ha, funny I should say that since they just called me. And they were out there to fix it and they did some work outside the house and if it isn't working when I come home from work tonight they'll head out some day when I'm home to work on it inside. Thanks guys :')
I'm posting from my boyfriends laptop which makes me a little uncomfortable. The site will be in his browsing history and all that. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to hide something but I also keep this pseudo-privately, ya know?
I broke up with Jon. I'm with Rob again. That's the only aspect of my life that feels consistently good right now. Me being with Rob at least. I feel bad about Jon. I hope he's okay. The rest of my life feels like someone shattered me onto the sidewalk. Like an overpriced smart phone that they can't afford to replace.
It's not all bad. Mostly my money problems. I just paid the $150 bill for my phone from a month ago. Got $81 more to go for the bill that came after that and I'll be caught up (even if it's only temporarily). Then I have a $150 bill to knock out from the doctor, a $50 payment for a different doctor bill, and $60ish for the internet bill that I just got. Plus keeping gag in the tank and food in the fridge. I'm so glad i have a boyfriend who has a job (even if he isn't taking home an insane amount of cash) who can help me with paying for food. So fucking grateful. I'm going to glomp him when I see him tonight. I've started to turn him Brony. He's fighting it, but I was playing Animal Crossing while Ponies played on my laptop and I had to call for him 3 times to get him to look at what I was trying to show him. :) heck yes.
He's added inspiration to my life. I hope I keep this one because he makes me happy. Not because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I think I can't do better or because I think we help each other. I just genuinely want to keep him in my life because I was so happy and so free when I was with him before, and I feel it again now. With half of my head shaved, wearing lots of black, and doing little artsy crap. It's awesome.
Going to try to push the positive back in. :)
XoXo,
S
Ha, funny I should say that since they just called me. And they were out there to fix it and they did some work outside the house and if it isn't working when I come home from work tonight they'll head out some day when I'm home to work on it inside. Thanks guys :')
I'm posting from my boyfriends laptop which makes me a little uncomfortable. The site will be in his browsing history and all that. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to hide something but I also keep this pseudo-privately, ya know?
I broke up with Jon. I'm with Rob again. That's the only aspect of my life that feels consistently good right now. Me being with Rob at least. I feel bad about Jon. I hope he's okay. The rest of my life feels like someone shattered me onto the sidewalk. Like an overpriced smart phone that they can't afford to replace.
It's not all bad. Mostly my money problems. I just paid the $150 bill for my phone from a month ago. Got $81 more to go for the bill that came after that and I'll be caught up (even if it's only temporarily). Then I have a $150 bill to knock out from the doctor, a $50 payment for a different doctor bill, and $60ish for the internet bill that I just got. Plus keeping gag in the tank and food in the fridge. I'm so glad i have a boyfriend who has a job (even if he isn't taking home an insane amount of cash) who can help me with paying for food. So fucking grateful. I'm going to glomp him when I see him tonight. I've started to turn him Brony. He's fighting it, but I was playing Animal Crossing while Ponies played on my laptop and I had to call for him 3 times to get him to look at what I was trying to show him. :) heck yes.
He's added inspiration to my life. I hope I keep this one because he makes me happy. Not because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I think I can't do better or because I think we help each other. I just genuinely want to keep him in my life because I was so happy and so free when I was with him before, and I feel it again now. With half of my head shaved, wearing lots of black, and doing little artsy crap. It's awesome.
Going to try to push the positive back in. :)
XoXo,
S
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