I think, most of all, I'm just frustrated.

Why can't people see when someone is bad for them? Why do people think that making mistakes in the past means that you owe the future the person?

Really... it didn't have to be me. But anyone (ANYONE) that appreciates them is better than someone who plays games with them.

It doesn't matter if she secretly wants to be with him. What matters is whether or not she treats him well. She doesn't. Besides that, why would you want to be with someone who couldn't admit to wanting to be with you? What is ONE good reason to not admit to wanting to be with someone as fucking great as him? I can't think of a single one that doesn't imply that the fucking girl obviously doesn't want him as badly as she thinks.

It tears me up to see people I care about unable to realize how damaging their choices are. Getting over someone you care about THAT MUCH is never (EVER) easy. But it needs to be done. I never wanted to give up Brandon. I always thought that we'd be together, even when we broke up. Even though he treated me badly I still wanted to be with him. Then, one day, I realized how bad that was. I realized I could have so much more, and I WANTED more. Slowly, over months of working, I managed to break the hold he had over me and move on. I no longer have any desire to be with him because I know I can have better.

I just wish I could make him realize this... I want him to be happy, not toyed with.

XoXo
S

At least I can say I tried, right?

Glass Slipper by The Dresden Dolls

no one's asking to go dancing its not like that anymore
its romantic if they mean it when they shut your fingers in the door
its a gory sort of story thats been told a hundred times before
it gets tricky dont be picky if the slipper fits you wear it whore

how many tips can i take home tonight without them getting mad
how many stitches do you think it takes to fix a cut that bad
how many minutes until midnight and you get your eyesight back

not to knock it i've been off it never moving very much at once
its been awkward i still offer it when its that time of
other girls shower but i give out flowers
to curious strangers who throw dollars at my feet

how many crimes can i try spotting dry before it leaves a stain
how many times say that i love you til it doesnt mean a thing
how many fittings must i sit through with my big feet blistering
how many strips until it hits me and my big mouth strikes again

i'm not asking to go dancing i'm not that dumb anymore
its exhausting to keep smiling when your toes are bleeding through the floor
its a gory sort of story thats been told a million times before
don't be sorry just ignore me because honestly
i'm too sore from fitting exactly to ride into setting suns aching to
stand on my own two feet

how many wishes do i still have left to fix the way it ends
how many princes will it take to put a girl like this back together again
how many instances can you point out where i was less than kind
how many happy endings do you need to change your fucking mind
and how much time do we have left before it's midnight and
you see that i was never the right size?

:]

feeling much more complete again. No low for me.






Robot Chicken is on. They have the carebears. It's awesome.

I'm too damn excited and happy to go to sleep.

XoXo
S

been gone

Oh blog, my dear. I'm slowing coming down from my high. This means I'm entering a low. Hopefully it's not too bad, considering how good I felt from the high. It usually means a really low low. If things go well with Zach I at least won't have to worry about being alone if it gets too bad. If they don't go well, then it'll probably a little worse.

Oh well, I'll get through it. Always do.

I just really hope it goes well. I really like him.

hopefully, if nothing else, I don't get betrayed like I usually do.


been playing volleyball a lot this last week. Covered in bruises from it. Tired. Saw a Komets Hockey game and it wasn't too bad but the seats were almost the highest in the collesium.

XoXo
S

Good Readings

STFU, I love tarot cards.



Tuesday, April 20
Two of Cups
New meanings in relationships. Contracts in the creative arts. Union of hearts and minds. Possibilities to heal old wounds. New energies surging around you. Time to put creative thoughts into action. Good time for dreams and goals that have been put off to begin. Good time to begin work on new plan. All pieces are in place. First step to new future is at hand.




Now, 3 card reading for "Will the date go well?"

RECENT PAST

Seven of Pentacles Reversed
Getting mired down in the details of a projects. Feeling there is room much to do alone, so you stop working altogether. Tired of waiting for rewards to manifest. Working too hard without taking time out to enjoy the benefits you are receiving. Spending too much time going over the details and not enough time enjoying the journey.


CURRENT SITUATION

Ten of Wands
Overburdened. Load too much to bear for one person. Everything now settled and in place. Cycle complete and order can be maintained. A gathering of all pieces and putting them away in completion. No more discussion, it is done and finalized. A monument to hard work materializes and stands testament to perseverance. What was begun is now done.


FUTURE INFLUENCE

The Star
Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it has carries blessing with it.

:) I got me a date sometime soon. I hope it all goes well. I've been playing volleyball like EVERYDAY this week. My arms are swollen pretty badly from it. I'm EXCITED about how much I've been getting out and doing shit. THIS IS A SOCIAL LIFE. And it's not feeling overbearing and suffocating like it usually does. I'm enjoying it all. After I got off of work at 4, I went to the court, and played until we went to subway, and played after. I only even left at 9:30ish because I really needed to get to walgreen's to buy Ace bandages for my arms. They're fucking swollen. I can't wait to go on a walk with Zach tomorrow, and then get my ass to the court to play some more. I love this. FUCKING LOVE IT. It won't last forever, but I'll love it all while I got it.

XoXo
S

Betraying Bitch

That is, my heart. :\ I dislike it quite a bit. But at least I'm not feeling constrained or upset. just a little confused.

new hair. New Color Me Stunned entry.

I never thought I'd pull off short hair (and I may not be, but I'm still enjoying it being almost boy short.

X0X0
S

COLLEGE

Turning in my App for IPFW tomorrow. A little late, but not TOO late to send it.

I'm probably gonna start with only 3 classes a semester and maybe do a summer course every year.

Starting off with French, Intro to Women's Studies and maybe a math or english class to get them over with. I'm going to try to take a new french class ever semester until I run out. :) Hell, that would qualify me for a minor in french. (I'm planning on religious studies atm, but that may change)

I'm so nervous and excited at the same time. Afraid I won't do well, or that I haven't grown out of my inability to do homework... Worried I won't be able to afford it all. Excited cuz I'm going to motherfucking college.

Wish me luck. If IPFW doesn't accept me, I'll just kill myself. :)

XoXo
S

this is why I don't try

I'm starting to see a trend here.

I start flirting with Brandon, and suddenly becki goes and fucks him. I ended up being the one he chose, but that still fucking hurts.

I start liking a guy, and guess who is right next to him when he shows up at Zestos when me and Jacob invited him? Yeah.

I'm not a second choice. I don't want a guy that goes for someone else JUST because they're more convenient (and not just referring to sex.) I really don't feel comfortable with a guy that is friends with a girl that is notorious for sleeping around with guys friends that are in relationships WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP. And she's single now, so that doesn't help much.

I really don't like having to give up before I had a chance, but fuck I can't deal with all of this.

XoXo
S

Day Off

I was planning on spending the whole day away from my computer with my phone shut off. Get some peace from all this "connectivity" that we supposedly have through these things. Do something productive instead of constantly checking if I have new messages or if someone has texted or called me.

Last night me and Brittany made a youtube video and went to bed as it was uploading since it was going to take an hour and a half and I was exhausted from staying up editing it together. But when I woke up and checked it, the movie was too long so I had to go back in and cut it and make it work as two separate videos. After that I had to upload both videos to me AND brittany's youtube which took even longer. But when I finally did I shut everything off.

I didn't know what to do at first, but then I decided I should do the biggest task (that I've been dreading the MOST) and clean my room for the first time since I've moved in. It looks so much better now. and everything is in my closet and ORGANIZED.

Rode my bike to Wendy's to get something to eat, read, took a long walk through the cemetery (instead of a bike ride) and it was AMAZING, then I watched a lot of L.A. Ink and read more. I turned my phone on every 2-3 hours just in case something happened but I didn't generally have any messages and I shut it right off. Only spent 8 hours off of the internet, but it was enough to help me with how restless I've been feeling.

Now if only I felt like doing dishes.

X0X0,
S

what this does to me

I hate this.

Confusion. Mixed emotion. Switches. Going from high to low to high to low over and over is enough to make me feel crazy, but throw in a REASON and now the lows feel lower, and the highs feel higher.

I'm clear headed, happy.

I'm crushed, constricted, lonely.

I hate when you're trying to start a relationship. The lack of confidence, the confusion, the constant self doubt. I'm a confident person, usually. I know I'm not outgoing, but I don't doubt myself often. I don't feel the need to second guess how other people feel about me. Until shit like this comes up.

I'm just gonna read and try to forget about it all until tomorrow because I can't exactly do anything right now.

XoXo
S

ah

I went non-gaga for the first time on my bike ride and it was okay. Manson is good biking music. So is Amanda, and No Doubt, and pretty much everything I love. Made it an hour today of steady paced biking. Sure, I had a cookie thing, but I also ate an orange, and some fresh veggies. Still on water only :)

Weight lost: NONE

Feelings of being healthy: Up 200%

Body Image: up 50%

I watched Monday Night Raw. I'm reading. I feel GREAT right now.

XoXo
S

ups and downs

Lots of up and downs today. Retarded sister. Sweet family. bitchn' tunes (it's the first time I listened to AFP in a while, but it was mostly Gaga) and I got re-interested in the Anita Blake series. It's actually REALLY inspiring (makes me wanna write the vampire romance novel that I've been wanting to write since my freshman year of high school.) And tie in my weretiger story the way the Women of the Otherworld series introduces characters and then give them their own books.

Jacob says my guy friend has a crush on me. I'm not sure, but it cheers me up... but at the same time I'm getting mixed signals so it's not fun at the same time. I'm pretty sure brad is a lost cause, but I'm trying to be okay with that. I hate when people fuck with your head (even if it's not on purpose) and make it harder for you to let go.

But anyway. I've got reading to do.

XoXo
S

Can I trust him

Recent Past

The Hanged Man
Viewpoint skewed from what is normal or what others see. In limbo. Inability to move forward in life. Stuck. Need to focus on getting out of a rut and think outside of the box. Sacrifice of self. Devotion. Circumspection may be needed but remember to move forward. Indifference to attitudes and beliefs of others. A man unto himself. Ability to remain still in the face of adversity. A person who will not be moved until he is ready.


Current Situation

Judgement
Incredible pressure to tell truth lest you be judged. A court case or other legal proceeding in which an outcome is assigned. Have you done anything for which your judgment or actions would be called into account? Time to examine life, friends, family, career and relationships with a discerning eye. Time to deal with something major in your life. Transformative energies are surrounding you now. A choice is at the ready and must be made now.

Near Future

Queen of Cups
A woman capable of deep romantic love. A passionate woman in the creative arts. A woman who leads first with her heart and then her head. Love for one's mate and children Sense of protectiveness for friends and loved ones. Dedication. A woman in search of a long-term commitment. An attractive woman. Creative arts and alchemy. A loyal woman on your side.



The hanged man is my absolute favorite tarot card.

I hate spamming my tarot readings, but I like to be able to keep track of them for my own future amusement.

XoXo
S

Picture Dump

Pictures from Geneva with Brittany

Is he worth fighting for? Tarot :)

Recent Past	Current Situation	Future Influences
Click to View	Click to View	Click to View

Two of Pentacles
Trying to maintain a balance. You can keep everything moving smoothly if you go with the flow. Be open to new developments and tools that come your way to assist you in your goals. You are poised to do something you really enjoy. A lightness of spirit in your work. Money is flowing freely toward you. A business partnership.

Knight of Pentacles Reversed
A man of little action although he speaks with bravado. Someone who needs to pick a fight, but won't. Timidity and cowardice. A weak man that has lost respect of his friends and family. Someone who will not champion himself or his loved ones. Perhaps a person beaten down by life who cannot seem to regain their confidence.

King of Pentacles
A man of success and means. He can turn anything into a pot of gold. An entrepreneur. He may seem very methodical in business, but everything he does has a purpose. Not wasteful or expending too much energy to reach your goals; they are occurring naturally. A skilled craftsman whose work is sought after. Capable of philanthropy. Someone who gives generously of his time.

"current situation" is dead on. Past is a little foggy and I'm not sure how to read the future into my situation. Oh, tarot. This is the first time you've not given me a clear answer when I asked it of you. I want my own deck so it's not some random internet choice, even though the cards may be triggered by key words in the questions you ask.

sorry, I love tarot.
XoXo
S

fighting

Four of Pentacles
Fear of losing what you have worked hard to gain. Material goods. Defending what is rightfully yours. Resisting change. Stagnation. A person that wants everything to remain the same. Insecurity. Desire to be alone. A person that does not share well. Could be a fear of a partner squandering one's assets. A new agreement may be presented.




Well. I occasionally come to this point in my life, where I get close to someone. This ends up causing a lot of stress in me. I'm kinda crazy when it comes to becoming close friends. I'm insecure, and I act on it a lot once I get close to someone. Some people are friends, but I never get close to them. But when I do, it ends up getting a little chaotic. It's just me and my layers.

But, after going through so much with someone, after so many arguments and so much time of not talking to them because we can't resolve our differences, my gears turn. I start wondering more and more if it's worth the fight I have to put up to keep this person around. I'll wonder this constantly as I continue on with my life and our interactions (good and bad) until one day the choice just clicks. When it was Michelle in high school, I decided it WAS worth it. She WAS someone I wanted to fight to keep in my life.

Instantly it's as if every insecurity falls away and our relationship got stronger. With Brandon, I decided it wasn't. I put up more barriers to protect myself from him.

So, what do I do when I decided that someone is worth it all, and all I want is to keep them in my life but they pull away? I have gotten close to maybe 3 people in my life time before this person. I've haven't had to deal with someone I feel so close to not wanting to be as much a part of my life as I wanted them to. Sure, I really wanted to keep Brandon, but deep down I knew I wouldn't be able to trust him. This is different.

I wanna keep him in my life. I realized this today. But I think I may have realized it too late.

It's getting me low, but I guess if I want to keep someone, that means they're worth fighting for... So it's time to put up a fight :)

XoXo
S

Gaga

"Peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

"When you make music or write or create, it's really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you're writing about at the time. "

"You have to be unique, and diffrent, and shine in your own way."

"All that ever holds somebody back, I think, is fear. For a minute I had fear. [Then] I went into the [dressing] room and shot my fear in the face..."

"... I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much."

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore. "

"I remember watching the mascara tears flood the ivories and I thought, "It's OK to be sad." I've been trained to love my darkness."

"I want women -- and men -- to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they're always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something that they cherish."

"This is the Manifesto of Little Monster
There is something heroic about the way my fans operate their cameras. So precisely, so intricately and so proudly. Like Kings writing the history of their people, is their prolific nature that both creates and procures what will later be percieved as the kingdom. So the real truth about Lady Gaga fans, my little monsters, lies in this sentiment: They are the Kings. They are the Queens. They write the hisory of the kingdom and I am something of a devoted Jester. It is in the theory of perception that we have established our bond, or the lie I should say, for which we kill. We are nothing without our image. Without our projection. Without the spiritual hologram of who we percieve ourselves to be or rather to become, in the future.
When you are lonely,
I will be lonely too.
And this is the fame."

I love her. Her music may not be very deep (in the same sense as, say, Amanda Palmer) but off the album, she's one of the most inspiring weirdos I've ever had the pleasure to love. I think I want "Little Monster" to be the text I add to my chest piece or foot.

XoXo
S

No one is here to hold me together and I'm falling the fuck apart.