Approval not needed

Kinda tired of people discouraging me from things that aren't feminine. 

Idgaf if my tattoos aren't of butterflies and lilies and hearts. My femaleness is not lessened just because of a fucking tattoo that's not girly.

You all bitch when women have generic tattoos of ~girly~ things but you tell women with different styles of tattoos that their ink isnt feminine enough? 

I don't need your ideas of feminine, especially in relation to my body. 

Tw

One time when I refused to have sex with Michael he pulled a knife from his side drawer and began to cut at his wrists, yelling at me about how I was doing this to him. The cuts were my fault and I forced him to resort to it by not loving him and not giving my body to him on demand. 

After guilt tripping and insulting me more he pulled his dick out and forced me to give him oral and then raped me. 

This wasn't a rare incident. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now because I'm not upset or anything. I think I saw something on Tumblr that reminded me.  

I just wanted to say it so I can remember that the pain and fear I used to feel, and the anxiety I feel now when I think about him or pass him while driving or when someone brings him up... It's justified. I'm allowed to feel that way even though I'm in a better place now. 

Fuuuuuuck my brain.

So like. I've been social and junk lately and my social awkwardness is hitting me pretty hard and it's so discouraging. 

And like, I've been developing a crush on a cute guy I work with. And for the next 2 weeks I'll probably be working near him and I've been trying to talk to him without flirting or getting any sort if attachment because I'm not so sure we'd make a good match, but also because I'm pretty sure he couldn't possibly like me back and I'm also pretty sure he'd be one of those guys who makes me feel crazy. 

But he's got a cute ginger beard and junk and looks like he'd be good to cuddle. And now I have his phone number cause he asked me to crochet something for him and now I'm like "can I text him for other stuff? Would that be weird? Should I just leave him alone altogether?"

Fuck I was feeling really good about myself Monday and I've been feeling like shit about myself since. Literally I can't even have things go well for me without hating myself. 

Suuuurgery and insurance and feeling self conscious

So I've been thinking about my right eye ptosis thing lately. 

And it just. I don't know when it started but when it did it just punched me in the face (almost literally, right?) somewhere in high school and it got slightly worse after. Now instead of just being noticeable when I'm having a photo taken with flash it literally always looks droopy. 

Hopefully at this point it's considered a medical issue and insurance that I get in January through my job will cover part of it. 

I can literally feel it. 

XoXo

S

Reading romance and being Grey A

I was particularly fond of Anita Blake in the early books because she had no interest in Jean-Claude (or, she had dirty thoughts but didn't want to act on them) and her story love interest actually didn't play a huge role. It was there. It was a PART of it, but it wasn't what the story revolved around and it was minimally important in the book. 

The more prominent it became and the more sex became a theme I just kinda trailed off and lost the connection. 

Being asexual makes reading hard when there's a huge portion of sex in the plot. I kinda get the romance the the tease and the build up, but not sexually. So when it gets to the point I just feel disconnected from the characters. :\ 

Can someone rewrite like book 7 and after with less sex and less importance of sexual tension so I can enjoy the plot? 

I need a long book series damn it.

XoXo, 

S

JFC

My parents have been divorced for over a year now and they live together again but aren't together. It's so shitty. They both expect the other to behave like they're married in different aspects. 

But they're they same ways that they disappointed each other when they WERE married. 

And it just irritates me so much when dad thinks mom is suddenly going to become a homemaker. And when mom thinks dad is going to suddenly going to tell her where he's at or call her. 

Literally they have never been different than this in my lifetime, what makes them think either of them will change, especially if THEY HAVE NOT CHANGED THEMSELVES. 

Move on guys. Move on. 

XoXo,

S

A message to my ex

I didn't make you stop listening to the music you liked or the shows you liked. You were literally just too lazy to do that in your free time. 

We worked different shifts. I had to take you to work so I missed out on doing anything unless I wanted to waste gas (because you have no concept of gas usage and filling my tank once every other week didn't cut it). I literally gave up my free time and spent it sitting at Wendy's waiting to work because you felt like you couldn't live without being at my house. But yeah, sure, I didn't let you watch your shows or listen to your music. Especially not after you got off work at went home to your own place. 

No, you spent that time drinking and playing video games and bringing more bed bugs home. 

Not sorry that, after a day of spending 10+ hours at Wendy's, I wanted us to watch something we both liked instead of the shallow generic shit you watch. (You claim to be a feminist and yet you defend fanservice as if those drawn and made up characters use panty shots to feel empowered. There's nothing empowering to a real life woman about a man sitting in his studio and drawing nothing but tits that can't physically fit into their tops irl and drawing upskirt shots of young women.)

Aaaand considering I was the only one who could drive, yeah we listened to my fucking music. I have driving anxiety. Listening to music I like and am familiar with helps a little. 

JFC I defended you and your lazy unmotivated ass constantly. I outgrew you the first time we dated, I was just miserable and looking for something familiar after Michael. Yeah, that's my fault. But I haven't been sitting around and blaming you for me changing. Sorry I accidentally forced you to grow a bit as a person, please do revert back to the incompetent man child you were.