I've been having crazy health problems lately but I still haven't payed for my medical bills from going to the hospital for my dog bite, so I can't really afford to go get myself checked out. My friend just found out she had a minor wheat allergy and that's part of the reason she always felt sick after eating. Lets not talk about that though.
I've realized that no matter how hard I try I still feel relatively depressed and upset and just plain shitty. Even with how much more positive I've become I still feel helpless and upset and stuck.
I AM stuck though. It really hit me the other day, that I've been working so damn hard for so long, and I still have nothing to show for it. I still can't have anything nice. I still don't have free money and I'm still struggling every day to get to a point where I can stop struggling.
My GPA is 3.25 right now, which is pretty good. I think I'm going to enroll in St. Francis after I check up on the cost. If everything in GM pans out (which no, it still hasn't :\) I can at LEAST save up a lot of money after I pay my debts off. I figure if a semester at a normal college is up to $500/credit hour (varying, IPFW is much cheaper) I'll have to save at least $30k before I take school seriously again. I want half of it saved before I start again. I'll still ride my financial aid train, but I'll have something to fall back on when and I'll be able to pay it off when I get there.
On a more cheerful note, I'm wearing all tie dye today besides my bra. Even my underwear. You may ask "how much tie dye is too much" and I'll tell you, "NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH TIE DYE." My shorts match my shirt though, since I dyed them both using the same batch and same color schemes. And I'm not wearing socks or anything with my flip flops.
And I saw shit loads of rainbows today and that always makes my day. Gatorade rainbows, kids bubble solution rainbows, crayon rainbows, chalk rainbows, everything. I love color so damn much. And I went to K-Mart for the first time in a LONG time and saw all sorts of things that I don't find at wal-mart, like the Polaroid Pogo (which I want so bad) and shoes that I actually like, and ponies/unicorns
And my big bro bought my old Dell from me. He's going to fix it up and keep it from himself. It's not money in my pocket though, it goes to pay the doctor bill I just got that was about $25 less than what he's paying me for the computer. So yeah, $125 to the doctor and $25 to my phone bill.
So Yeah, talking about all this positive stuff is cheering me up a little if nothing else. Life is still a struggle, but it's all perspective.
XoXo,
S
May 15, 2012
May 08, 2012
I E-exist
Remember that one time I validated that I do actually exist based on a stranger recognizing me/my tattoos?
I exist on the internet. A forum I've frequented fairly often in the last 6 years or so, one that I don't really post a lot but I lurk enough to recognize the regulars and have a general idea of everyone's personality... Well, someone remembered me. And noticed that I hadn't been posting lately. My internet existence, though minimal, is real. A stranger whom I've never met to some degree has noticed my existence, therefor validating it.
I feel pretty good.
Plus I have sleepy time vanilla tea and it's so damn tasty.
XoXo,
S
I exist on the internet. A forum I've frequented fairly often in the last 6 years or so, one that I don't really post a lot but I lurk enough to recognize the regulars and have a general idea of everyone's personality... Well, someone remembered me. And noticed that I hadn't been posting lately. My internet existence, though minimal, is real. A stranger whom I've never met to some degree has noticed my existence, therefor validating it.
I feel pretty good.
Plus I have sleepy time vanilla tea and it's so damn tasty.
XoXo,
S
May 06, 2012
a slipping depression and a lack of company
I keep writing blogs and not posting them. Some because they aren't finished, others because they're about touchy topics (to some people) and I'm not a person who likes to start things like that anymore. Fuck all this growing up.
I've been watching Jon's Sister's house since Friday. I took him to a funeral in Ohio but I had to head back to good old Indiana for work. He was going to come with me, but decided to stay another night because his sister was in Ohio somewhere too and could pick him up on her way back. This way he could see some old friends. He told me it'd be one night, so I was okay.
I let the dogs out, I fed the dogs. I enjoyed a nice CLEAN shower/bathroom with nice shampoos and conditioners and towels that hadn't been used yet, and slept in a big comfy bed in a room that wasn't as hot as it was outside. But I've been really bored, and I've feel weird and REALLY lonely sleeping here by myself because I've never been here without Jon. We've never spent more than one night apart, and we rarely even do that.
I asked him to call.
Now it's Sunday and I'm still sitting here alone feeling bored and lonely. I still haven't gotten a phone call. I barely got texted. Last night when I was trying to text goodnight, I get a lovely indecipherable message. Apparently he decided to get completely wasted. To the point where someone was needing to take care of him to keep him from being stupid or puking everywhere.
Besides the fact that it's obviously STUPID to get that drunk, he's out of state and on probation getting drunk. After spending our entire relationship being cautious about how much alcohol I'm allowed to consume because he doesn't want me getting drunk. And all the times He's told me he doesn't like alcohol and thinks getting drunk is dumb. And how he told his friend that getting really drunk while trying to deal with the death of a really close friend is bad idea.
I'm gone for TWO DAYS and he can't even take care of himself and make responsible choices, and I get to sit here feeling like shit because there's nothing to do here but watch tv and play on the internet. That's not as fun as it was when I was in high school. I logged into gaia in hopes of finding something to take my mind off of this shit. It'd be different if I were at my own home, with all of my books and yarn and and endless amount of things to do/that need done. Or if I were at his place downtown where I could just go on a really long walk to all of my favorite places in the city. But I'm here, at his sister's in a rich subdivision with no one to keep me company but a bunch of dogs who stay in their cage in the basement when they aren't running outside. I don't even like dogs.
I'm really pissed and really upset right now. I don't know if I want to ignore him or yell at him, because one or the other is inevitable. I'm not even going to try to talk to him until he's home because having him here in person makes it harder for me to act petty and shitty and I'll be less likely to say things I regret. And then I'll get over it and move on because this is probably the only time so far that I've been genuinely mad at him.
But I needed to get that out. Because I'm upset and there's no one here to talk to, and nothing that can really distract me from it.
XoXo,
S
I've been watching Jon's Sister's house since Friday. I took him to a funeral in Ohio but I had to head back to good old Indiana for work. He was going to come with me, but decided to stay another night because his sister was in Ohio somewhere too and could pick him up on her way back. This way he could see some old friends. He told me it'd be one night, so I was okay.
I let the dogs out, I fed the dogs. I enjoyed a nice CLEAN shower/bathroom with nice shampoos and conditioners and towels that hadn't been used yet, and slept in a big comfy bed in a room that wasn't as hot as it was outside. But I've been really bored, and I've feel weird and REALLY lonely sleeping here by myself because I've never been here without Jon. We've never spent more than one night apart, and we rarely even do that.
I asked him to call.
Now it's Sunday and I'm still sitting here alone feeling bored and lonely. I still haven't gotten a phone call. I barely got texted. Last night when I was trying to text goodnight, I get a lovely indecipherable message. Apparently he decided to get completely wasted. To the point where someone was needing to take care of him to keep him from being stupid or puking everywhere.
Besides the fact that it's obviously STUPID to get that drunk, he's out of state and on probation getting drunk. After spending our entire relationship being cautious about how much alcohol I'm allowed to consume because he doesn't want me getting drunk. And all the times He's told me he doesn't like alcohol and thinks getting drunk is dumb. And how he told his friend that getting really drunk while trying to deal with the death of a really close friend is bad idea.
I'm gone for TWO DAYS and he can't even take care of himself and make responsible choices, and I get to sit here feeling like shit because there's nothing to do here but watch tv and play on the internet. That's not as fun as it was when I was in high school. I logged into gaia in hopes of finding something to take my mind off of this shit. It'd be different if I were at my own home, with all of my books and yarn and and endless amount of things to do/that need done. Or if I were at his place downtown where I could just go on a really long walk to all of my favorite places in the city. But I'm here, at his sister's in a rich subdivision with no one to keep me company but a bunch of dogs who stay in their cage in the basement when they aren't running outside. I don't even like dogs.
I'm really pissed and really upset right now. I don't know if I want to ignore him or yell at him, because one or the other is inevitable. I'm not even going to try to talk to him until he's home because having him here in person makes it harder for me to act petty and shitty and I'll be less likely to say things I regret. And then I'll get over it and move on because this is probably the only time so far that I've been genuinely mad at him.
But I needed to get that out. Because I'm upset and there's no one here to talk to, and nothing that can really distract me from it.
XoXo,
S
May 01, 2012
Self Medication
I've been thinking of things I do. Or don't do, I guess. Things that cause inconvenience in my life because I try to hold off.
Like migraines. I never want to take my medicine when I get the first hit. I know what's coming. I can feel it all through my body but I don't want to take my pills. Why? In general I'm reluctant to take them. Cramps and migraines are the only pains that break me down enough to do so unless a doctor makes me (and how often do I go see a doctor?) Mostly I just don't like to self medicate. If it were birth control, or some form of medicine that I take regularly to keep my body on track I'd have no problem with popping the pills. But when it's as needed, I have trouble with telling myself I NEED them when I actually do.
I also say "maybe if I wait a little longer the pain will go away on it's own." Every time. Despite the fact that it NEVER does. It ALWAYS get progressively worse. Sure, it worsens at different rates, but it gets worse none the less. Now, I suppose if I were taking them to relieve some sort of bodily pain it wouldn't matter when I took it, but with cramps and migraines once the pain has reach the point of distracting you (even if it's not so debilitating yet) it's probably too late for the medicine to work. I've never had medicine for cramps work if I took them AFTER they get bad. When I talk myself into taking them when I know I'm going to have my period I'm usually okay. Never cramp-free, but not vomiting.
So why don't I just do that? Do I honestly think that I'm going to avoid cramps when I'm on my period? Even on my BETTER ones I still had them. And if it'd going to rain heavily I'm going to have a migraine. If I wake up and feel any sort of sinus swelling I'm going to have a migraine. Why can't I just take the damn pills?
And, from now on, I'm going to remember all of this and hopefully do the right thing. I'm tired of these aches and pains. There are people suffering from much worse problems who would LOVE to have a cheap otc medicine to make their pains go away, so I should take advantage of it.
XoXo,
S
Like migraines. I never want to take my medicine when I get the first hit. I know what's coming. I can feel it all through my body but I don't want to take my pills. Why? In general I'm reluctant to take them. Cramps and migraines are the only pains that break me down enough to do so unless a doctor makes me (and how often do I go see a doctor?) Mostly I just don't like to self medicate. If it were birth control, or some form of medicine that I take regularly to keep my body on track I'd have no problem with popping the pills. But when it's as needed, I have trouble with telling myself I NEED them when I actually do.
I also say "maybe if I wait a little longer the pain will go away on it's own." Every time. Despite the fact that it NEVER does. It ALWAYS get progressively worse. Sure, it worsens at different rates, but it gets worse none the less. Now, I suppose if I were taking them to relieve some sort of bodily pain it wouldn't matter when I took it, but with cramps and migraines once the pain has reach the point of distracting you (even if it's not so debilitating yet) it's probably too late for the medicine to work. I've never had medicine for cramps work if I took them AFTER they get bad. When I talk myself into taking them when I know I'm going to have my period I'm usually okay. Never cramp-free, but not vomiting.
So why don't I just do that? Do I honestly think that I'm going to avoid cramps when I'm on my period? Even on my BETTER ones I still had them. And if it'd going to rain heavily I'm going to have a migraine. If I wake up and feel any sort of sinus swelling I'm going to have a migraine. Why can't I just take the damn pills?
And, from now on, I'm going to remember all of this and hopefully do the right thing. I'm tired of these aches and pains. There are people suffering from much worse problems who would LOVE to have a cheap otc medicine to make their pains go away, so I should take advantage of it.
XoXo,
S
April 27, 2012
New Blogger?
I don't like the new blogger. Straight up don't like it. It's not as clean. I'll probably get over it. I don't blog a lot anymore between work and pinterest and living.
I have cramps. Not horrible ones. I'm not puking. But it hurts enough that I don't want to get out of bed to put my rice sock back into the microwave. I never think to get my heat wraps when I'm not on my period and when I am I'm in too much pain to get up and go. I'll need them if I'm working at GM. Plus I'll hopefully start some sort of birth control to reduce this bullshit. I'll keep the fucking Nuva Ring in and not get like this ever again. Whoever thinks birth control is for sluts obviously doesn't have a period.
I desperately want to finish another round in the blanket I'm making but I'm in too much pain to sit in a position to crochet.
Hopefully Jon is done taking care of the dogs soon so we can reheat my rice sock and maybe run to walgreen's. I don't work til 7, but I want to make the most out of my day.
I tie dye for the first time tomorrow! I'm excited.
XoXo,
S
I have cramps. Not horrible ones. I'm not puking. But it hurts enough that I don't want to get out of bed to put my rice sock back into the microwave. I never think to get my heat wraps when I'm not on my period and when I am I'm in too much pain to get up and go. I'll need them if I'm working at GM. Plus I'll hopefully start some sort of birth control to reduce this bullshit. I'll keep the fucking Nuva Ring in and not get like this ever again. Whoever thinks birth control is for sluts obviously doesn't have a period.
I desperately want to finish another round in the blanket I'm making but I'm in too much pain to sit in a position to crochet.
Hopefully Jon is done taking care of the dogs soon so we can reheat my rice sock and maybe run to walgreen's. I don't work til 7, but I want to make the most out of my day.
I tie dye for the first time tomorrow! I'm excited.
XoXo,
S
April 13, 2012
600 posts
I don't want my 600th post to be about how pissed I am about my ER bill. So I'll write what I was going to write last night.
I had a dream... Involving My Little Pony, Harry Potter, trains, hospitals, and Chris Jericho. It was as awesome as it sounds.
There was a lot of talk about cutie marks at Hogwarts. And for some reason I was trying to avoid the professors at a quidditch match. I got there by train, as I was meeting up with my boyfriend Chris Jericho (who, oddly enough wasn't wearing his black and purple glittery wrestling speedo :C) but I had to duck out into the bathrooms to hide because I was in trouble or some shit, and the bathrooms I hid in were in the hospital. Then I left and ran into Jericho but he didn't want me to get caught so we decided to meet up when the quidditch/wrestling was over.
SO I wondered through the hospital until I found the train back and hopped on. My mom was on, and so was my little sister (who was pregnant again) and an old lady. The train was like a quad-decker bus or something, and we rode on the top. Instead of waiting for the train to stop people just jumped off into the streets. The old lady died when she jumped so I told my mom and sister not to do it, especially because my sister was pregnant. They both did anyway. Then I was finally back at the station where the match was happening and I could fly because I took a potion that gave me wings and since we were all ponified people everyone would think I was a pegasis instead of an earth pony so they wouldn't know it was me.
Sadly, Snape recognized me, and Jericho was trying to save me from being chased and then I woke up.
Yeah, I can't recall the last time I actually had a dream about dating a celebrity that i had a crush on. I don't even really have a crush on Jericho, he's just my favorite ass hole of the WWE.
Apparently there's a WICKED feud going on between Jericho and CM Punk over Punk being straight edge. Considering I hate Punk and his Jesus complex rubs me the wrong way, I'm fucking LOVING hearing about it. Everyone is calling Jericho a douche, but
1) Jericho has always been a douche
2) It's just a fucking ACT
3) CM Punk has a Jesus complex. It's why I also loved the feud he had with Mysterio. I love seeing guys I love beat the shit out of him.
4) IT'S AN ACT
5) the main complaint is that CM Punk shouldn't be hated for being straight edge because he's choosing the better lifestyle and he's better than everyone else who drinks and blah blah blah. The reason people hate straight edge people is for that attitude. You aren't better than someone else for not drinking. You could still be a shitty person with a shitty personality.
6) CM Punk has a huge Pepsi logo tattooed to his arm. WTF?
I search Chris Jericho on tumblr in hopes of finding sexy Gifs to save, and instead got a lot of people writing long ass posts stating the obvious. Chris Jericho (the wrestling character) is an douche.
I had a dream... Involving My Little Pony, Harry Potter, trains, hospitals, and Chris Jericho. It was as awesome as it sounds.
There was a lot of talk about cutie marks at Hogwarts. And for some reason I was trying to avoid the professors at a quidditch match. I got there by train, as I was meeting up with my boyfriend Chris Jericho (who, oddly enough wasn't wearing his black and purple glittery wrestling speedo :C) but I had to duck out into the bathrooms to hide because I was in trouble or some shit, and the bathrooms I hid in were in the hospital. Then I left and ran into Jericho but he didn't want me to get caught so we decided to meet up when the quidditch/wrestling was over.
SO I wondered through the hospital until I found the train back and hopped on. My mom was on, and so was my little sister (who was pregnant again) and an old lady. The train was like a quad-decker bus or something, and we rode on the top. Instead of waiting for the train to stop people just jumped off into the streets. The old lady died when she jumped so I told my mom and sister not to do it, especially because my sister was pregnant. They both did anyway. Then I was finally back at the station where the match was happening and I could fly because I took a potion that gave me wings and since we were all ponified people everyone would think I was a pegasis instead of an earth pony so they wouldn't know it was me.
Sadly, Snape recognized me, and Jericho was trying to save me from being chased and then I woke up.
Yeah, I can't recall the last time I actually had a dream about dating a celebrity that i had a crush on. I don't even really have a crush on Jericho, he's just my favorite ass hole of the WWE.
Apparently there's a WICKED feud going on between Jericho and CM Punk over Punk being straight edge. Considering I hate Punk and his Jesus complex rubs me the wrong way, I'm fucking LOVING hearing about it. Everyone is calling Jericho a douche, but
1) Jericho has always been a douche
2) It's just a fucking ACT
3) CM Punk has a Jesus complex. It's why I also loved the feud he had with Mysterio. I love seeing guys I love beat the shit out of him.
4) IT'S AN ACT
5) the main complaint is that CM Punk shouldn't be hated for being straight edge because he's choosing the better lifestyle and he's better than everyone else who drinks and blah blah blah. The reason people hate straight edge people is for that attitude. You aren't better than someone else for not drinking. You could still be a shitty person with a shitty personality.
6) CM Punk has a huge Pepsi logo tattooed to his arm. WTF?
I search Chris Jericho on tumblr in hopes of finding sexy Gifs to save, and instead got a lot of people writing long ass posts stating the obvious. Chris Jericho (the wrestling character) is an douche.
April 10, 2012
S's guide to dealing with people you don't want to talk to you.
I like Jenna Marbles "how to get guys to like you" video in all its sarcastic glory.
I'd also like to point out that a lot of girls act like that for a reason. Guys and their unintentional (for the purpose of no confrontation) mind games.
If you meet a girl and you get to talking... and you're thinking "man, I'm not into this girl" then don't in any way lead her on. This will include ignoring her. But, it also includes telling her you aren't interested. Being upfront. Especially before she gets to the crazy part. If she's honestly texting you a couple times a day despite no reply, it's time to break it to her that you aren't interested.
I know that I personally am USED to people who aren't very easy to get ahold of. My boyfriend doesn't like to text period. My brother NEVER replies because he tends to be engrossed in his video games and by the time he's done he has long since forgotten the message.
Don't think that people should take the hint by your distant behavior. I've dated guys who were a little distant at first. Some people are just distant people (myself) even if they like you. Instead of trying to get them to "take the hint" (aka: unintentionally playing mind games in hopes of them doing what you want without telling them) just fucking say what you want to them.
Why spend a month trying to ignore someone you don't like when you could have resolved the problem by telling them from the start that you weren't really interested and didn't like them? Don't be a prick about it. Don't TRY to hurt them, and don't try to soften the blow so much that the message doesn't get across (it's about as effective and ignoring them).
The point I'm making?
If you don't like someone, especially in that way and ESPECIALLY if they clearly like you, tell them. Say CALMLY "Hey, _____, I know we had fun that one time, but I'm really not interested in you so it'd be better if we just break our contact from one another and go our separate ways." and then? Don't talk to them. At all. Ever again. When you've done that and she THEN continues to bother you, you can call her crazy.
(I say to tell them calmly because if you seem to be having a fight or argument someone else can rationalize that you didn't mean it and that you were just upset. If you're unreasonable mean they'll feel that you're just having a bad day. Don't give them a reason to not believe what you're saying.)
That's all I got.
XoXo,
S
I'd also like to point out that a lot of girls act like that for a reason. Guys and their unintentional (for the purpose of no confrontation) mind games.
If you meet a girl and you get to talking... and you're thinking "man, I'm not into this girl" then don't in any way lead her on. This will include ignoring her. But, it also includes telling her you aren't interested. Being upfront. Especially before she gets to the crazy part. If she's honestly texting you a couple times a day despite no reply, it's time to break it to her that you aren't interested.
I know that I personally am USED to people who aren't very easy to get ahold of. My boyfriend doesn't like to text period. My brother NEVER replies because he tends to be engrossed in his video games and by the time he's done he has long since forgotten the message.
Don't think that people should take the hint by your distant behavior. I've dated guys who were a little distant at first. Some people are just distant people (myself) even if they like you. Instead of trying to get them to "take the hint" (aka: unintentionally playing mind games in hopes of them doing what you want without telling them) just fucking say what you want to them.
Why spend a month trying to ignore someone you don't like when you could have resolved the problem by telling them from the start that you weren't really interested and didn't like them? Don't be a prick about it. Don't TRY to hurt them, and don't try to soften the blow so much that the message doesn't get across (it's about as effective and ignoring them).
The point I'm making?
If you don't like someone, especially in that way and ESPECIALLY if they clearly like you, tell them. Say CALMLY "Hey, _____, I know we had fun that one time, but I'm really not interested in you so it'd be better if we just break our contact from one another and go our separate ways." and then? Don't talk to them. At all. Ever again. When you've done that and she THEN continues to bother you, you can call her crazy.
(I say to tell them calmly because if you seem to be having a fight or argument someone else can rationalize that you didn't mean it and that you were just upset. If you're unreasonable mean they'll feel that you're just having a bad day. Don't give them a reason to not believe what you're saying.)
That's all I got.
XoXo,
S
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