I think I've figured this out.

I haven't heard much from Rob today :( I'm saaad. I miss him.

Been kinda down in the dumps. I won't say that I miss my ignorance, regardless of how blissful it made me, but there's not much that can make me feel better right now.

I wish I could blame society and the media on the way men look at women, and they way OTHER women look at themselves... but really, it's not just them. We see the barbie doll runway models and nude suggestive ads as nothing more than some freak unobtainble goal to the masses. I've never look at some airbrushed ad in my magazine and thought "why can't I be as perfect as her?" because I know SHE isn't as perfect as her photo wants us to believe.

What's really harmful is the way normal women disrespect THEMSELVES. Portraits used to be my favorite form of art. I'd browse them for hours... but now I look at them and all I see is the real reason why men see us as nothing more than some sweet, innocent, sex object. That's the ONLY way we seem to portray ourselves. There's nothing wrong with being sexy. There's nothing wrong with women being sexual. But if they one way your potray yourself to others is as a girl posing seductively with little to no clothing on, that's all anyone is going to see.

Why do women have to be submissive or have an air of innocence about them in order to be sexy? Why can't women be aggressive, be the dominant? Why does every photo of a women have to have this "golly gee, look at me and all my innocence! I sure hope some strong man doesn't come take advange of me" look to it. YES, you can read THAT MUCH into a facial expression. It doesn't always register in our minds, but it touches at our instincts.

As much as sexual desire has to do with instinct (I've kept up on research regarding sexual attraction. VERY interesting) a lot of it is learned through every day experiences. It wasn't until recently that being 20lbs underweight (with breasts and a butt, of course) were the sexiest body shape. So why aren't we trying to break away from the unobtainable and enforcing the fact that healthy women are sexy to? And that women can be and look strong, smart and sexy all at once?

If we've trained ourselves to think fighting against our bodies natrual shape is a good thing, why can 't we train everyone to look at women differently? I realized today that I've spent a good part of my teens (and now) going out of my way to break free of the standards we've set for women. I didn't even do it on purpose. I'm still damn sexy with my masculine tattoos, shaved hair and AGES of makeup that made me look intimidating instead of cuter.

What does it take to begin to change the minds of women, reset the standards of beauty and make everyone a little less self loathing about our bodies? Think of how much better we'd all feel if people of a wider variety of shapes, sizes, ages, heights and races were portrayed more through the media? Someone to represent everyone instead of a bunch of people who represent less than 5% of women and men?

I feel kind of hopeless right now.

X0X0
S

Kitteh

I met my new kitty last night. I bring her home in a few days. I get my other one Wednesday. Yeah, I'm pretty much getting two kittens for my birthday. I'm naming them gitsy and michael :D

I'm sitting in my apartment in my underwear, because I don't have to worry about someone popping up. It's awesome. Prooobably not something I'll do often, but I will right now cuz I can. :P

I'll post pictures of mykittehs when I get them here!

XoXo
S

awkwardness

I'm sitting on the beanbag chair in my new apartment. I got my computer set up nicely, and my tv. I only really get Fox and PBS, and I'm 100% okay with this. I also found internet to a... borrow. (My mom knows the people who I'm borrowing from, they said we should feel free to use it when we need it. As long as I remember to disconnect when I'm not using it they're cool.)

Driving here was the most awkward thing ever. And sitting here feels so... different. But I got my bathroom put together. My bleach stained towels are all visible. At least I have the one comfort of home.

I think I'm going to put my beanbag chair and pillows and blankets below my skylight and watch the clouds. Sounds relaxing right? :)

XoXo
S

Moving!

Today's gonna be a big day. Getting most of my moving done (hopefully) and (hopefully) getting everything done with painting.

The medicine I got for the hives/bed bugs barely worked... and it left me open for infection so I'm feeling sick right now... and then I found out that I was having an allergic reaction to it. I think I'm pretty much done with going to the doctors now unless I REALLY need it. I mean, I almost had a migraine yesterday, but I didn't. It's been almost a month since my last one. I think I'm in pretty damn good health now. (go me)

I got stuff to do. I have a boyfriend to go pick up (fuuuuuck he's AMAZING. I've never been treated this well before in my LIFE.)

XoXo,

S

bed bugs?

Monday morning: woke up covered in a ridiculously itchy red rash thing. Went to a doctor because of how bad it was. There were over 500 individual bites (at least I still assume that's what they were/are) and in some places, so many it was just a red patch (like the one that went way up my leg.)

Got a shot in my ass and some pills to get rid of the "hives" and some for the itching.

Tuesday: everything looks like it's clearing up. Pills help with the itching fine and dandy.

Wednesday: This get even better, but it still ITCHES LIKE A MOFO.

Thursday: A few more bites. Not a lot, just a few, but they ITCH.

Friday: a few more bites, much itchier, but anti-itch pills seem to still work fairly well for a few hours after I take them.

Today: about 30 new bites in ONE NIGHT. I'm so itchy I want to CRY.

I've torn apart my bed. There are no signs of bed bugs in any nooks or crannys, or on my comforter or my pillow or anywhere. I layed a strip of tape (sticky side up) across the edge of my mattress in hopes of catching at least one of whatever it is that's making me like this. No suck luck.

Whoever is responcible for banning the chemical that killed these mother fucking bugs needs anally raped with sandpaper and itching powder.

And, what's the most annoying part in all of this? we PAID a doctor to look at me and give me a shot and pills that were supposed to make me unable to have an allergic reaction, and yet here I am with MORE BITES. Fuck you doctors, FUCK YOU.

XoXo,
S

Oppressive nature of ass holes

I have a boyfriend, he's nerdy and cute and the sweetest guy I've ever met. He's the only thing stopping me from snapping right now.

On a less happy note; I hate how much my eyes have been open to different kinds of oppression. Mostly things I experience personally.

To that I say;

Dear boss, we as workers in the United States have the right to a healthy and safe work enviroment. I don't find you're racist jokes to be funny. I don't find it funny when you joke about abusive relationships people have actually been in, and I'm pretty sure most of us don't enjoy you making sexual inuendos and constant sexual remarks about other employees or customers. We actually don't have to put up with your attitude. By treating certain employees better based off of your liking of them and not on their ability, you're taking us out of our healthy enviroment.

Dear girl who won't be named,

I have every right to bitch about whatever I want to. So does anyone else. When someone is being wronged in this sense, their options aren't "suck it up" or "quit." To make a radical comparision, would you tell a black woman who was facing rascism to either suck it up or go somewhere else? No, because her rights are being violated. A less radical comparision: Would you tell a girl who was being bullied to either suck it up or quick school? No.

If there's a problem, you don't deal with it by ignoring it or by walking away unless those are your only options. You take action to change what's wrong. While you have every right to be annoyed and express your annoyance, it's also not that hard to block someone's updates or remove them from your friends list. That way you aren't demanding that someone give up their right to speak their mind. If you don't like drama, then don't talk about things that don't involve yourself. Plain and simple. If you don't like that people actually want to confront the problems at work, "suck it the fuck up or quit, no one is stopping you."

Oh wait, NO ONE is in a possition to quit their jobs right now. Otherwise why would you put up with all this drama that you apparantly hate?



And of course,
Dear co-workers,

Maybe I'm the only one who actually DOESN'T like being pissed off every day at work. I'm thinking I am, because NO ONE wants to stand up for themselves. You face open discrimination and do nothing about it but sit back and accept it as normal. It's not okay. I made the offer to have you all stand up with me, and you all back down in cowerdace. I'm ashamed, in a sense.

XoXo,
S

way too damn good

Life has been amazing. Things I was sure of have twisted around and changed. He's a quick rundown:

1. Rob came to see me at school today. Cuz I was bored, and he's awesome. We hung out last Friday, are hanging out tomorrow and then again Friday. Yeah, I'm happy. ^_^!

2. Me a girl, Tara, through my WS class. She's the shit. We're going to Coney Island durning my down time on Thursday. She has a mohawk, tattoos, and is epic.

3. Dion comes to chill with me for a little bit every school day, and is funny as hell.

4. the hippie dreadlock guy from Subway came to sit with me, dion, rob, and carrie today. Also, he was epic.

5. My brother and I won't be moving together. I'm moving into the upstairs of my mom's daycare. 2 decent sized bedrooms and a full bathroom to myself, and then share the upstairs storage room and kitchen with my mom/daycare (during daycare hours) for only like $100-$150 a month.

6. classes are going really well, I think. I'm starting to get back into feminism. I've gone into the passive "I don't care anymore" phase for a long time now. I'm starting to give a shit again. I'll be an angry feminist yet! GOOD BYE SHAVED LEGS! (Ha, yeah right.) and I'm getting french to a degree I never did with Mrs. J. I don't remember all the vocab, but I'm doing good.

7. (oooooh hai thar) I heard from michelle today! ^_^

8. the Dolls are touring. I know what my next tattoo will be! I'm getting either my back or legs or arms signed and getting that shit PERMANENT.

I'm loving everything in my life right now. I kinda have that feeling that I'm gonna have to make up for all the good with a lot of bad... Like that song says "something's gotta go wrong cuz I'm feeling way too damn good." but I think I've just finally hit that point in my life where I've made it through all that shit.

and again (if you be reading!) I think I owe a lot of this to reading the old advice from Michelle, about always smiling no matter what and looking at the bright side. It worked. I <3 ya!

XoXo,
S