NYC

New York City.

I want it so badly. SO BADLY.

I could have it, for a few months. Share a 6 bedroom apartment with about 10 people (5 guys, 5 girls) only $350 a month (I could do that without getting a job, and move back.)

Why do I torment myself with this stuff? I mean, I WANT New York so badly. I can't have it (not yet at least) but I'd do anything to be there. I need someone who wants to move up there with me. ANYONE. I'd even be willing to live in the living room of a 1 bedroom.

It kills me to keep looking at the pictures >_<

XoXo
S

Friends and Futures

I've been listening to the Violent Femmes tonight. I actually really like them. Who'd have thought?

But really. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About friends, and my future.

The only conclusion I've come to is that if people honestly can't accept me at my worst (ha, as if this is anywhere near my worst) then they don't deserve me at my best... buuut, if I cut out everyone that can't take me at my worst I'm going to be one lonely fucking person. It blows my mind that people can be shitty to their friends and keep them, but I can't be shy without being called a bitch.

As for my future. Fuck this place, and fuck Indianapolis. I WANT to live in New York, and I'm GOING to move to New York. I'm going to start college, but like hell if I'm going to finish. I'll make my own way. Lets face it, no job really interests me, so wouldn't it be more ideal for me to take on lots of little random jobs to make ends meet? Isn't being a starving artist what I've always wanted? Exactly. And where can you possibly go that you could get more acceptance than New York? I'm bound to find at LEAST a small group of friends.

I'm working on a letter to Michael Alig. I don't even know what to say to him, but I want to see if he writes back. Hopefully, if he gets out soon, he'll keep New York as his home and I'll run into him someday. It'd be kinda awesome.

fuck you all,
S

So, everything is messed up again.

I don't know anymore. Just roll with it I guess? I'm unhappy. I'm at a low. I can't pull myself up. A lot of this isn't going to blow over, so it's just a matter of me getting over it.

I need my brother back right now. I need someone to talk to.

XoXo
S

kinda done

I thought I could deal with all of this... but I can't. I thought I had everything figured out but I really don't. I thought I didn't care anymore but I still do. I wish I could fix it all but I can't.

I just want to be able to pass out and forget everything but it's really not possibly right now. I mean, I could pass out... I knew it'd be a bad idea to drink. But I did anyway. I didn't want to feel so I took away all feeling possibly. But it's still not quite enough. I can't fix this yet. It's not gonna be fixed any time soon, so I guess I just have to either deal with it or detach from the situation. Sounds reasonable. Pull away and get out of all of this.

It's not even midnight and I wish I was asleep.

XoXo,
No more,
S

change

Life is... Confusing. Constantly changing.

I'm growing a lot as a person. Facing my personal conflicts and fears. It's crazy.

XoXo
S

So, posts are fewer. I guess I've been busy, but mostly just not feeling like blogging.

Feeling frustrated now though. For the second time in less than a year in this apartment the upstairs plumbing leaked into the utility closet and ruined shit. We have a TV, bass amp and my brothers huge ass box of magic cards (as in, fucking lot of cards, some originals. Lot of money and time put into that) that are all soaked. Probably another clog, since the sink has been draining kinda slow lately. But it's not like the last leak we got, nothing coming up in the other sinks, and water doesn't pour out when the shit upstairs gets used... Just slowly leaking.

Still. Fuck this apartment. The electric box is RIGHT where the water is leaking. Who the fuck designed this and why was this building allowed to be built?

If my apartment insurance doesn't cover all the stuff that just got ruined I'm going to be PISSED. It was all Jacob's belongings. He's not even here to be pissed about it.

Also, I can't use the bathroom until it's fixed. wtf. WTF. I hate this shit hole :\

Life

My life has been a confusing blur. I haven't even been able to put it into words, but the pieces are all coming back together.

XoXo
S