A brief history of the last 4 years part 3

So that brings me to now. I'm sitting in a car dealership having my the 2nd brand new car of my life (and I'm o my 27) serviced. There is something wrong with me. I was diagnosed with depression when I was maybe 22. And I romanticize my own sadness a lot. Partially as a coping mechanism, and partially because it's the only thing I've ever really known. I'm afraid of failure so I never have any goals. I'm don't know who I am without mental illness, but god help me, I'm ready to find out. 3 of the last 4 relationships I had were decent people going through their own struggles. I'm decent with my money and my debt is all easily managed with my job. I own a damn house, for the time being, and that's something I didn't think I COULD do, regardless of whether or not I thought I'd want to. Like I said previously, I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a soft and squishy marshmallow of a person on the inside. I've been fighting it my whole life but loving love and being kind is my best quality and I've held onto it through everything. Nothing good or helpful has ever come from me being cold or "strong" or anything but who I am. My life is in shambles like it always is but I've held it together this long so I have a lot of hope for the future. I'm going to keep blogging (on a real blog and not Tumblr) but I'm leaving this behind because, while the struggle is important, it's not what I'm focused on anymore and I've been a lot better off because of it.

A brief history of the last 4 years part 2

So my friend lived with me for 5 months. She planned to move to Indianapolis with another friend once she could afford to. I loved this girl with every fiber of my being. Fall in love with your friends. Have intense non-sexual love for another person. It's wonderful. She hurt me like everyone else I've loved but it was the only love I've ever had that felt worth it in the end. I would have (and did) drop anything and everything to help her. CJ said a lot in our last few months together that i loved my friends more than I loved him. With the friends I have I feel like this will always be true. I don't see how romantic love could ever compare. We had a going away party for her. My friend who moved to Indy a year before was there and ready to pack up up for the drive. It was a great night of drinking and laughing. CJ was out with his friends (and my car). When he got home it was pretty late and I don't remember what caused what but we were in a shouting match and he was threatening me and belittling all of my friends and calling them worthless. I called the cops. I was sure they'd do something this time. They didn't. I broke up with him that night. The next day I found out that my only grandpa has passed away in the night. He was an intense badass. A hard worker and a survivor and I want to channel every bit of who he was into my life. When I left town for his funeral 3 days later my ex was already sleeping around with a girl he kept telling me to not worry about. We lived together for months still because neither of us could afford not to. Around November a friend of mine moved into the spare bedroom to help out even more and to help the transition from living with my ex to living with a roommate. My mental health declined over those next few months and I started dating someone I had a causal thing with a year or so beforehand even though I knew it wasn't what was best. We broke up a month or two later and mid January I had a mental breakdown. i was in and out of a dissociative state, self harming, and all around feeling high anxiety and severe depression. This was the week my ex moved out because I was tired of his mind games and how lazy he got after we broke up. He even told me he wasn't helping out around the house on purpose because it wasn't his home anymore so he didn't care if it looked like shit. He broke all of the rules we set up after our breakup. But once he was out and I felt with him stealing my couch and all of the stress tied into having someone removing things from your home while your not there, it stopped. I leveled out. It was a pivotal moment in my life and for my mental health. I met a guy at the bar during my friend's birthday party. We all went back to my house, got super drunk, and him and I cuddled. He swore he'd take me out on a real date after that and he followed through. He texted me when I texted him and was really excited about me. Until he wasn't. A different friend had moved in and out during this time frame. We all went on vacation. A couple friends and my boyfriends and myself. My friends from Indy brought along a girl that I hated instantly but I knew they'd figute it out on their own when the time came (like 3 months later I think?) and when we got home the guy got super distant and then broke up with me. I loved him like I haven't loved someone in years. So a month later he confessed he felt like he made a mistake when he left me and I thought this was finally it and I'd found the one and everything would be okay. I'm still naive and still a hopeless romantic and I won't let anyone change that in me. But a few months later and a lot of trying really hard when he clearly wanted to be distant with me he broke up with me over a text message when he was drunk. I dated a guy from work for s little whole because he seemed nice but I'm I'm being blunt I didn't get over that guy until maybe a month ago. I feel shitty for it but it really wasn't my intentions to have the guy be a rebound. We weren't really compatible and our breakup was mutual but it was still really shorty of me.

A brief history of the last 4 years. Pt1

The guy I like that I was texting. We dated for 2 years. He was a high functioning alcoholic and verbal and physical abuse were just the norm of his family and his friends. I knew better. I saw the red flags. I proceeded. We dated for a year while I lived at my parents and eventually moved into a duplex my dad owned. It was all mine and it was cute with old wood details and a tiny bathroom. It was off the street like a little hidden cottage. While laid in bed all I could see out my window were trees. The roof leaked, the water pressure in the kitchen was barely a drip, and the brathoom sink drained directly below because it leaked so bad. My dad had to replace the subfloor of the bathroom halfway through because the toilet also leaked. I could touch the ceiling in my shower and the wiring was so bad that I had to wiggle the fixture to make it turn on. I left mail on a burner and accidentally turned the wrong one on and almost caught the wholeness place on fire. The guy downstairs often got drunk and passed out in his car with Mexican music blaring. It was the first place I invited my current friends to to have a party and we all dressed up in cute pastels and made Halloween cookies with purple and blue icing and drank tea. My ex hated it. He never visited and made me drive out to his place where he lived with his grandma because he lost his license. His grandma was a grade A cunt just like him and the rest of his family. I was brought up thinking that if you offered something it was a gift. If she offered anything she'd then make you work to earn it after you'd taken it without being told it was a trade of some kind. Offer you food? Clean the kitchen. Invite you to a cook out? Damn well better help cook, clean, and set up. I realize that may be common curtesy to some people but when I offer things it's with no strings attached. If I invite you over for dinner, you'll know when I expect of you before I even let you say yes. His friends were awful. His best friends girlfriend sexually assaulted me twice. Once in front of them while they laughed. I was too drunk to stop her and they thought it was cute because, in his words, "all my other girlfriends like stuff like that. Don't pretend like you didn't. It's just what girls do when they're drunk." I might be ace spectrum but I'm not interested in women, period. He never believed me. Once he triggered me during sex and I had a panic attack. He yelled at me for 15 minutes because I was crying. When I tried to explain to him why he told me "all women SAY they've been raped but none of them have been. They're just trying to get something outta guys." We bought a house together. It was in my name, because he never tried to develop credit. I paid for half of it, he paid for half. After we moved in he started bitching about me having free money but it was only because he drank and smoked and I did neither of those things. Even though he made s lot more money than I did we paid our combined bills equally. I even put extra into things but he ignored it because it was inconvenient. We bought the furniture he wanted to put in the house he wanted and bought the food he liked and prepared it to his liking. He thought he bent over backwards for me when he compromised any tiny thing that made me a little happier. I stopped hanging out with his friends because they sucked and we were incompatible. He offered me Taco Bell one night when they went to the bar. He drove my car, drunk, and got me some while they were on their way to his friends house to continue drinking. I didn't like when he took my car and I told him not to drink if he was. He never listened and he always drove when he was drunk. When he got to the house his friends had stopped contacting him, likely home and passed out because Taco Bell took forever. He took it out on me. I realized early on that if he was mad he didn't want to discuss he. He just wanted to yell. So I didn't fully engage. He noticed and got more angry. He always said I ran away from our problems but he never wanted to resolve them and once he'd calm down he'd deny caring anymore. It was useless. I tried to hang out in my craft room, back against the door, but he wasn't having it. He'd push me. He tried ripping my phone out of my hand. I begged him to just leave me alone. he was following me as I walked in my socks down the dirty sidewalk calling the cops to finally end this. They were so helpful when my dad came home drunk when I was 19 and was being violent. The cops told me to leave my own home to accommodate his drunken mess. He kept telling them he didn't know why I called or why I was acting like that. He pushed me and threatened me and they made me leave. I slept on my friends couch. He was already texting apologies to me. It was short lived, because the next day he was mad that I had called them, felt it was unnecessary and that it made him look bad. He mocked me to our mutual friends, telling them how crazy and emotional I was. I stayed, but I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel as small or worthless. I don't doubt for a second that my friends love and care about me. Or that they'd jump to help me in a second if I needed it. My friend from the west side of town had abusive parents. She was only 19 and I went to her house one weekend, we packed up all her things and I took her to live with me. I was still with CJ. The most validating thing a friend has ever said to me was from her, after CJ threw yet another temper tantrum, "I don't like when he talks to you like that." It's so simply and yet I don't feel like another person has ever said something like that about a guy I loved.

Approval not needed

Kinda tired of people discouraging me from things that aren't feminine. 

Idgaf if my tattoos aren't of butterflies and lilies and hearts. My femaleness is not lessened just because of a fucking tattoo that's not girly.

You all bitch when women have generic tattoos of ~girly~ things but you tell women with different styles of tattoos that their ink isnt feminine enough? 

I don't need your ideas of feminine, especially in relation to my body. 

Tw

One time when I refused to have sex with Michael he pulled a knife from his side drawer and began to cut at his wrists, yelling at me about how I was doing this to him. The cuts were my fault and I forced him to resort to it by not loving him and not giving my body to him on demand. 

After guilt tripping and insulting me more he pulled his dick out and forced me to give him oral and then raped me. 

This wasn't a rare incident. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now because I'm not upset or anything. I think I saw something on Tumblr that reminded me.  

I just wanted to say it so I can remember that the pain and fear I used to feel, and the anxiety I feel now when I think about him or pass him while driving or when someone brings him up... It's justified. I'm allowed to feel that way even though I'm in a better place now. 

Fuuuuuuck my brain.

So like. I've been social and junk lately and my social awkwardness is hitting me pretty hard and it's so discouraging. 

And like, I've been developing a crush on a cute guy I work with. And for the next 2 weeks I'll probably be working near him and I've been trying to talk to him without flirting or getting any sort if attachment because I'm not so sure we'd make a good match, but also because I'm pretty sure he couldn't possibly like me back and I'm also pretty sure he'd be one of those guys who makes me feel crazy. 

But he's got a cute ginger beard and junk and looks like he'd be good to cuddle. And now I have his phone number cause he asked me to crochet something for him and now I'm like "can I text him for other stuff? Would that be weird? Should I just leave him alone altogether?"

Fuck I was feeling really good about myself Monday and I've been feeling like shit about myself since. Literally I can't even have things go well for me without hating myself. 

Suuuurgery and insurance and feeling self conscious

So I've been thinking about my right eye ptosis thing lately. 

And it just. I don't know when it started but when it did it just punched me in the face (almost literally, right?) somewhere in high school and it got slightly worse after. Now instead of just being noticeable when I'm having a photo taken with flash it literally always looks droopy. 

Hopefully at this point it's considered a medical issue and insurance that I get in January through my job will cover part of it. 

I can literally feel it. 

XoXo

S

Reading romance and being Grey A

I was particularly fond of Anita Blake in the early books because she had no interest in Jean-Claude (or, she had dirty thoughts but didn't want to act on them) and her story love interest actually didn't play a huge role. It was there. It was a PART of it, but it wasn't what the story revolved around and it was minimally important in the book. 

The more prominent it became and the more sex became a theme I just kinda trailed off and lost the connection. 

Being asexual makes reading hard when there's a huge portion of sex in the plot. I kinda get the romance the the tease and the build up, but not sexually. So when it gets to the point I just feel disconnected from the characters. :\ 

Can someone rewrite like book 7 and after with less sex and less importance of sexual tension so I can enjoy the plot? 

I need a long book series damn it.

XoXo, 

S

JFC

My parents have been divorced for over a year now and they live together again but aren't together. It's so shitty. They both expect the other to behave like they're married in different aspects. 

But they're they same ways that they disappointed each other when they WERE married. 

And it just irritates me so much when dad thinks mom is suddenly going to become a homemaker. And when mom thinks dad is going to suddenly going to tell her where he's at or call her. 

Literally they have never been different than this in my lifetime, what makes them think either of them will change, especially if THEY HAVE NOT CHANGED THEMSELVES. 

Move on guys. Move on. 

XoXo,

S

A message to my ex

I didn't make you stop listening to the music you liked or the shows you liked. You were literally just too lazy to do that in your free time. 

We worked different shifts. I had to take you to work so I missed out on doing anything unless I wanted to waste gas (because you have no concept of gas usage and filling my tank once every other week didn't cut it). I literally gave up my free time and spent it sitting at Wendy's waiting to work because you felt like you couldn't live without being at my house. But yeah, sure, I didn't let you watch your shows or listen to your music. Especially not after you got off work at went home to your own place. 

No, you spent that time drinking and playing video games and bringing more bed bugs home. 

Not sorry that, after a day of spending 10+ hours at Wendy's, I wanted us to watch something we both liked instead of the shallow generic shit you watch. (You claim to be a feminist and yet you defend fanservice as if those drawn and made up characters use panty shots to feel empowered. There's nothing empowering to a real life woman about a man sitting in his studio and drawing nothing but tits that can't physically fit into their tops irl and drawing upskirt shots of young women.)

Aaaand considering I was the only one who could drive, yeah we listened to my fucking music. I have driving anxiety. Listening to music I like and am familiar with helps a little. 

JFC I defended you and your lazy unmotivated ass constantly. I outgrew you the first time we dated, I was just miserable and looking for something familiar after Michael. Yeah, that's my fault. But I haven't been sitting around and blaming you for me changing. Sorry I accidentally forced you to grow a bit as a person, please do revert back to the incompetent man child you were. 

Being a cat lady

I talk about my cats like some people talk about their kids. 

And when some people bring up their kids I probably have a similar story about my cats. 

But people give me looks. Some are dirty looks (like how dare I compare my cat to their kid even though they're doing almost the exact same thing) or this smug smile like I'm so delusional and I can't possibly understand the wonders of children and I'm just deluding myself with the whole cat thing. 

When my aunt was pregnant the first time she wished she could give birth to a litter of kittens instead. Even though she loves her kids her pets are still considered family. 

If you don't think your pet is a like a child you don't need to be having a pet. I'm not saying you need to choose what's best for a dog over what's best for your baby (THAT is crazy) but you should have overbearing maternal instincts from them. You should care about them like they're as important as humans. Because they kinda are. 

XoXo,

S

Yesterday I took a friend to her photoshoot. They're actually really boring I'd you aren't the model or photographer. But i like helping people out and it was cool to see. I should have been a little more directive with models when I used to try photogrphy. But tv and all that always makes it look like you just take pictures while a model randomly picks poses. 

Nope. 

Then I had a shadow of a migraine. The "aura" but that's normal. 

Went to get a tattoo. It only took an hour and it's gorgeous. But my migraine did an ultra progression and for the first time ever I threw up not once, but 3 times. Every time I drank water. Every time I took pills. Half of what I threw up occurred when my stomach was dry. Throwing up food with no stomach acids is fucking awful. 

And I contemplated going to the hospital but I can't afford a couple grand just to maybe get an IV and maybe a Tylenol. 

And I still have a headache today. But I'm eating and drinking just fine. 

Aaron drove me home so I can't go get more A&D for my tattoo OR excedrin or even have my yarn that I left in my car. I couldn't drive myself though on account of light sensitivity and throwing up a lot. 

Fuck my day. It was awesome and really awful at the same time. 

XoXo,

S

I always listen, but I speak to deaf ears.

Jesus fucking Christ, you're literally supposed to be the person I can talk to and open up with. But you don't even let me. 

It's like I get to the thesis statement of my research paper and you disliked my wording or punctuation or you just don't care for the subject so you write a contradictory remark and give it an f. 

And god forbid I try to argue this grade with you. God forbid I try to bring up this whole idea and try to explain my paper to you and why you should read it. You'll just repeat that remark. 

It's not even maliciously. Maybe you think you're being cute or flirty. But it ISNT a research paper. They're my thoughts and feelings and things that I want to share with you. I don't open up to many people. I don't even try. And you just shoot me down when I try with you. 

The one person who is supposed to listen. 

The difference between Internet memes and statistics/facts

(I wrote this before my last post but my phone never publishes from home?)

I really hate when Obama haters post really stupid and factless shit to "prove their point." 

A photo of Obama golfing next to a photo of Bush reading to kids? Yes. I'm sure that Obama never does anything but golf and vacation. Bush never golfed or had fun ever. He always was out doing good deeds which Obama never ever does. This photo is equal to statistics because you put two real photos next to each other. 

So if I take a photo of you on the toilet and put it next to a photo of me working in a homeless shelter and put then next to one another on Facebook it means that I'm a good person always doing good stuff (even though I'm usually watching Netflix) and you just spend your life shitting. It's not even an inaccurate statement since people actually spend a good part of their life on the toilet and maybe I do occasionally help the needy. So yep. I'm a good amazing person and you just shit a lot. 

Yep. Those are facts. 

More Facebook logic.

I get so confused by Facebook sometimes. 

 

Someone shared a post that said that congress should focus on jobs for veterans instead of jobs for illegal aliens. 

How is congress focusing on jobs for illegal aliens? You need a work visa to work here if you aren't a legal citizen. If you have a work visa you aren't an illegal alien. You just aren't a citizen. You're totally legal. You have to be to get it. This will keep looping until you get the point. Congress can't make/find/give jobs to illegal aliens unless it stops being illegal to hire them. As far as I know congress isn't making it legal for illegal people to work nor are the finding jobs for LEGAL immigrants with work visas. (That I'm aware of). 

Maybe if they fall into the category of unemployed. In which case I'm pretty sure veterans are also able to seek help in employment. It's not really a complicated thing to grasp. 

If you want congress to make a special unemployment office for former veterans I'm all for that. Sure. But illegal immigrants have nothing to do with it. They aren't battling for jobs via congress. Bringing immigrants up makes you seem a little... I do to know, racist?

Actually really nervous about next weeks check because of all the times we got sent home early this week. It'll be like 150 short. Going to try to hold back on spending except for gas and food this week so I have some of this left over. Because I owe my dad $300 of that check. And 270 of the one after. Not even sure if I'll get to work next week depending on if they lay off one of the shifts. Hopefully they'd keep 2nd and lay off 3rd but who the hell knows how they decide this stuff. 2nd is the most productive at the moment with the least error so I'd hope we aren't effected. Not fully at least. 

Oh, even with a good paying job you get all sorts of money worries. 

XoXo, 

S

When poor people don't live up to your expectations

You wish you had an iPhone like that girl with food stamps? Have someone in your family who's willing to fucking buy you one. Go in to get a phone when they're having g a good sale. Have an older model to trade in (I bought a 4 off my sister for $50 at Christmas and when I traded it in late spring for a 5, the latest model at the time, and changed my plan to sprint I got the phone for $30. If you can afford a fucking video game or fast food you can afford $80 over the span of 5 months). 

Don't assume that someone who has something you don't just blows money on things. Maybe, just maybe, she doesn't drink Starbucks every day. Maybe she got it to treat herself. Maybe she has a friend who does acrylic nails ( or does them herself, it's not hard). Maybe her purse is a fake and she lied because you were being a harsh judgement piece of shit towards her because she doesn't have a lot of money and you think that means she should be in rags and have a government cell phone. 

I had a phone that wasn't a smart phone for a while. It cost me $200 out of pocket just for the phone, and as much per month as my smart phone and data plan had costed. Plus hidden new phone turn on fees. My iPhone experience took $150 total and that's because I got an otter box and some insurance for my phone. You could easily get the case cheaper and from somewhere else. 

And they sell fake name brand clothes everywhere for as cheap as Walmart shit. And then there's goodwill, where I've found a $60 shirt with the tags still on it for $5. 

Why would you really be so concerned with someone looking like they have money when they don't? Maybe because you're a judgemental piece of shit. Yeah, probably not your sense or moral and social justice. Just you being a bag of dicks. 

Afterthought

I just had a passing thought about my ex Michael.

He used to claim he had seizures whenever I tried to break up with him. At first in the relationship he'd just collapse on the floor, but the day I actually had my bags out the door his eyes rolled back and he had a seizure. 

Or so I thought. But as I sit here (feeling sick to my stomach STILL whenever I think of that disgusting pos) I can't help but feel he faked every one. Because the first time he did it I wasn't sure what to do or what happened so put my head to his chest to see if I could hear a heart beat since he didn't seem to be breathing. But once he "regained consciousness" he was really shitty with me about it. He bitched me out, asking what I thought I'd accomplish by doing it. 

Like, at the time that whole thing was so crazy and I'd never experienced that shit so I didn't even think about it, but if he actually had a seizure and was actually passed out he wouldn't have fucking known I layed my head on his chest to begin with. 

Was he faking to see if I cared enough to call 911? Was he faking to guilt me into staying? both, probably. He liked to test me constantly. And there was never a right thing to do so obviously I always failed no matter what. 

But I was just thinking about this so I thought I'd write it out. I'm not doing a personal tumblr anymore because too much triggering shit pops up on my dash, but I still have here, where it's just my own bullshit and no one else's. 

XoXo,

S

Why is it... That you only argue with me. You can even disagree with the person I'm arguing with but not bother to step in and aid me with the argument. 

But if I'm trying to say something? You'll go out of your way to miss the point of what I'm saying to pick and and argue over how I said something I said isn't 100% true or my opinion on that trivial thing isn't accurate. You'll ignore the whole point I'm trying to make to do this. Every time. 

But damn, wouldn't want to argue WITH me. 

(Literally only said that legal prostitution was usually cleaner than legal porn, because porn isn't strictly regulated as most are ameteur, and prostitutes in areas that sex work is legal ARE regulated.) 

But no. Clearly I don't deserve to be defended. Not even in this. If I said all prostitution and all porn? Maybe it'd be a different story. But I literally watched a fairly recent documentary on this. But whatever. 

XoXo,

S

I just have this overwhelming need to cry and I hope I don't break down before I get to my car when I'm off work on 4 hours.