A brief history of the last 4 years part 3

So that brings me to now. I'm sitting in a car dealership having my the 2nd brand new car of my life (and I'm o my 27) serviced. There is something wrong with me. I was diagnosed with depression when I was maybe 22. And I romanticize my own sadness a lot. Partially as a coping mechanism, and partially because it's the only thing I've ever really known. I'm afraid of failure so I never have any goals. I'm don't know who I am without mental illness, but god help me, I'm ready to find out. 3 of the last 4 relationships I had were decent people going through their own struggles. I'm decent with my money and my debt is all easily managed with my job. I own a damn house, for the time being, and that's something I didn't think I COULD do, regardless of whether or not I thought I'd want to. Like I said previously, I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a soft and squishy marshmallow of a person on the inside. I've been fighting it my whole life but loving love and being kind is my best quality and I've held onto it through everything. Nothing good or helpful has ever come from me being cold or "strong" or anything but who I am. My life is in shambles like it always is but I've held it together this long so I have a lot of hope for the future. I'm going to keep blogging (on a real blog and not Tumblr) but I'm leaving this behind because, while the struggle is important, it's not what I'm focused on anymore and I've been a lot better off because of it.

A brief history of the last 4 years part 2

So my friend lived with me for 5 months. She planned to move to Indianapolis with another friend once she could afford to. I loved this girl with every fiber of my being. Fall in love with your friends. Have intense non-sexual love for another person. It's wonderful. She hurt me like everyone else I've loved but it was the only love I've ever had that felt worth it in the end. I would have (and did) drop anything and everything to help her. CJ said a lot in our last few months together that i loved my friends more than I loved him. With the friends I have I feel like this will always be true. I don't see how romantic love could ever compare. We had a going away party for her. My friend who moved to Indy a year before was there and ready to pack up up for the drive. It was a great night of drinking and laughing. CJ was out with his friends (and my car). When he got home it was pretty late and I don't remember what caused what but we were in a shouting match and he was threatening me and belittling all of my friends and calling them worthless. I called the cops. I was sure they'd do something this time. They didn't. I broke up with him that night. The next day I found out that my only grandpa has passed away in the night. He was an intense badass. A hard worker and a survivor and I want to channel every bit of who he was into my life. When I left town for his funeral 3 days later my ex was already sleeping around with a girl he kept telling me to not worry about. We lived together for months still because neither of us could afford not to. Around November a friend of mine moved into the spare bedroom to help out even more and to help the transition from living with my ex to living with a roommate. My mental health declined over those next few months and I started dating someone I had a causal thing with a year or so beforehand even though I knew it wasn't what was best. We broke up a month or two later and mid January I had a mental breakdown. i was in and out of a dissociative state, self harming, and all around feeling high anxiety and severe depression. This was the week my ex moved out because I was tired of his mind games and how lazy he got after we broke up. He even told me he wasn't helping out around the house on purpose because it wasn't his home anymore so he didn't care if it looked like shit. He broke all of the rules we set up after our breakup. But once he was out and I felt with him stealing my couch and all of the stress tied into having someone removing things from your home while your not there, it stopped. I leveled out. It was a pivotal moment in my life and for my mental health. I met a guy at the bar during my friend's birthday party. We all went back to my house, got super drunk, and him and I cuddled. He swore he'd take me out on a real date after that and he followed through. He texted me when I texted him and was really excited about me. Until he wasn't. A different friend had moved in and out during this time frame. We all went on vacation. A couple friends and my boyfriends and myself. My friends from Indy brought along a girl that I hated instantly but I knew they'd figute it out on their own when the time came (like 3 months later I think?) and when we got home the guy got super distant and then broke up with me. I loved him like I haven't loved someone in years. So a month later he confessed he felt like he made a mistake when he left me and I thought this was finally it and I'd found the one and everything would be okay. I'm still naive and still a hopeless romantic and I won't let anyone change that in me. But a few months later and a lot of trying really hard when he clearly wanted to be distant with me he broke up with me over a text message when he was drunk. I dated a guy from work for s little whole because he seemed nice but I'm I'm being blunt I didn't get over that guy until maybe a month ago. I feel shitty for it but it really wasn't my intentions to have the guy be a rebound. We weren't really compatible and our breakup was mutual but it was still really shorty of me.

A brief history of the last 4 years. Pt1

The guy I like that I was texting. We dated for 2 years. He was a high functioning alcoholic and verbal and physical abuse were just the norm of his family and his friends. I knew better. I saw the red flags. I proceeded. We dated for a year while I lived at my parents and eventually moved into a duplex my dad owned. It was all mine and it was cute with old wood details and a tiny bathroom. It was off the street like a little hidden cottage. While laid in bed all I could see out my window were trees. The roof leaked, the water pressure in the kitchen was barely a drip, and the brathoom sink drained directly below because it leaked so bad. My dad had to replace the subfloor of the bathroom halfway through because the toilet also leaked. I could touch the ceiling in my shower and the wiring was so bad that I had to wiggle the fixture to make it turn on. I left mail on a burner and accidentally turned the wrong one on and almost caught the wholeness place on fire. The guy downstairs often got drunk and passed out in his car with Mexican music blaring. It was the first place I invited my current friends to to have a party and we all dressed up in cute pastels and made Halloween cookies with purple and blue icing and drank tea. My ex hated it. He never visited and made me drive out to his place where he lived with his grandma because he lost his license. His grandma was a grade A cunt just like him and the rest of his family. I was brought up thinking that if you offered something it was a gift. If she offered anything she'd then make you work to earn it after you'd taken it without being told it was a trade of some kind. Offer you food? Clean the kitchen. Invite you to a cook out? Damn well better help cook, clean, and set up. I realize that may be common curtesy to some people but when I offer things it's with no strings attached. If I invite you over for dinner, you'll know when I expect of you before I even let you say yes. His friends were awful. His best friends girlfriend sexually assaulted me twice. Once in front of them while they laughed. I was too drunk to stop her and they thought it was cute because, in his words, "all my other girlfriends like stuff like that. Don't pretend like you didn't. It's just what girls do when they're drunk." I might be ace spectrum but I'm not interested in women, period. He never believed me. Once he triggered me during sex and I had a panic attack. He yelled at me for 15 minutes because I was crying. When I tried to explain to him why he told me "all women SAY they've been raped but none of them have been. They're just trying to get something outta guys." We bought a house together. It was in my name, because he never tried to develop credit. I paid for half of it, he paid for half. After we moved in he started bitching about me having free money but it was only because he drank and smoked and I did neither of those things. Even though he made s lot more money than I did we paid our combined bills equally. I even put extra into things but he ignored it because it was inconvenient. We bought the furniture he wanted to put in the house he wanted and bought the food he liked and prepared it to his liking. He thought he bent over backwards for me when he compromised any tiny thing that made me a little happier. I stopped hanging out with his friends because they sucked and we were incompatible. He offered me Taco Bell one night when they went to the bar. He drove my car, drunk, and got me some while they were on their way to his friends house to continue drinking. I didn't like when he took my car and I told him not to drink if he was. He never listened and he always drove when he was drunk. When he got to the house his friends had stopped contacting him, likely home and passed out because Taco Bell took forever. He took it out on me. I realized early on that if he was mad he didn't want to discuss he. He just wanted to yell. So I didn't fully engage. He noticed and got more angry. He always said I ran away from our problems but he never wanted to resolve them and once he'd calm down he'd deny caring anymore. It was useless. I tried to hang out in my craft room, back against the door, but he wasn't having it. He'd push me. He tried ripping my phone out of my hand. I begged him to just leave me alone. he was following me as I walked in my socks down the dirty sidewalk calling the cops to finally end this. They were so helpful when my dad came home drunk when I was 19 and was being violent. The cops told me to leave my own home to accommodate his drunken mess. He kept telling them he didn't know why I called or why I was acting like that. He pushed me and threatened me and they made me leave. I slept on my friends couch. He was already texting apologies to me. It was short lived, because the next day he was mad that I had called them, felt it was unnecessary and that it made him look bad. He mocked me to our mutual friends, telling them how crazy and emotional I was. I stayed, but I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel as small or worthless. I don't doubt for a second that my friends love and care about me. Or that they'd jump to help me in a second if I needed it. My friend from the west side of town had abusive parents. She was only 19 and I went to her house one weekend, we packed up all her things and I took her to live with me. I was still with CJ. The most validating thing a friend has ever said to me was from her, after CJ threw yet another temper tantrum, "I don't like when he talks to you like that." It's so simply and yet I don't feel like another person has ever said something like that about a guy I loved.

Approval not needed

Kinda tired of people discouraging me from things that aren't feminine. 

Idgaf if my tattoos aren't of butterflies and lilies and hearts. My femaleness is not lessened just because of a fucking tattoo that's not girly.

You all bitch when women have generic tattoos of ~girly~ things but you tell women with different styles of tattoos that their ink isnt feminine enough? 

I don't need your ideas of feminine, especially in relation to my body. 

Tw

One time when I refused to have sex with Michael he pulled a knife from his side drawer and began to cut at his wrists, yelling at me about how I was doing this to him. The cuts were my fault and I forced him to resort to it by not loving him and not giving my body to him on demand. 

After guilt tripping and insulting me more he pulled his dick out and forced me to give him oral and then raped me. 

This wasn't a rare incident. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now because I'm not upset or anything. I think I saw something on Tumblr that reminded me.  

I just wanted to say it so I can remember that the pain and fear I used to feel, and the anxiety I feel now when I think about him or pass him while driving or when someone brings him up... It's justified. I'm allowed to feel that way even though I'm in a better place now. 

Fuuuuuuck my brain.

So like. I've been social and junk lately and my social awkwardness is hitting me pretty hard and it's so discouraging. 

And like, I've been developing a crush on a cute guy I work with. And for the next 2 weeks I'll probably be working near him and I've been trying to talk to him without flirting or getting any sort if attachment because I'm not so sure we'd make a good match, but also because I'm pretty sure he couldn't possibly like me back and I'm also pretty sure he'd be one of those guys who makes me feel crazy. 

But he's got a cute ginger beard and junk and looks like he'd be good to cuddle. And now I have his phone number cause he asked me to crochet something for him and now I'm like "can I text him for other stuff? Would that be weird? Should I just leave him alone altogether?"

Fuck I was feeling really good about myself Monday and I've been feeling like shit about myself since. Literally I can't even have things go well for me without hating myself. 

Suuuurgery and insurance and feeling self conscious

So I've been thinking about my right eye ptosis thing lately. 

And it just. I don't know when it started but when it did it just punched me in the face (almost literally, right?) somewhere in high school and it got slightly worse after. Now instead of just being noticeable when I'm having a photo taken with flash it literally always looks droopy. 

Hopefully at this point it's considered a medical issue and insurance that I get in January through my job will cover part of it. 

I can literally feel it. 

XoXo

S